The Old me

Dogs, Cats, The dark, Truth, Snakes, Love, Death, Life, Failure, Success, Old age, My Mama, Strangers, Friends, Did I mention the dark? These were just a few things that I was afraid of. As mentioned before in some entry on this blog long ago I'm taking a 6month hiatus from dating. (Yea I know I know and yes: I am a little crazy. But that isn't the point of this entry.) This whole hiatus is about me taking care of self. (Yes I know you don't believe me. But once again this is NOT about a man!!) One of the things I'm supposed to do during these 6 months is figure out 3 things about myself that are counterproductive and use a concordance (basically its a verse finder for the bible) to find and memorize scriptures that combat my negative behavior. Now when I got to this particular chapter I was at a loss of what three things to choose. I'm perfect! (LOL Yea right!) Within the span of a day of self reflection and deep conversations with some of the people that know me best I came up with my three. The number one counterproductive thing about me that came up time and time again was: Fear.

I mean it was the first thing out of every one's mouth when I did my little survey. An X, who is a very good friend of mine, even joked that he believes I'm scared of EVERYTHING. (Well blah to him I don't care what he says I'm positive his pet parakeet was out for blood that day I was sitting on the couch but i digress...) I wasn't completely surprised by this response. I know I can be a scardy cat. I guess I didn't realize that it effected the way I lived as much as I came to find out. I knew to a point that I had a problem with fear on some of the bigger stuff(i.e. love, death, failure..the DARK!!). I'd been doing my own work towards fixing things before I even picked up this book (Knight in Shining Armor if I didn't mention it already GREAT READ). I mean my being with Mr. X to the capacity that I was allowed me to debunk a couple fears that related to relationships. Now I am just doing a more intense look at the reasons for being so fearful and debunking all of those fears. I don't want to be this person who lets fear rule their life.

As this song began to play on my MP3 player during my evening commute I took a hard listen to the lyrics and I was blown away. Being that fearful sounded insane to me. I played it about two or three more times (OK seven times!!) and realized this was the old me. That person who was just scared of everything and everyone; even herself. I am very happy to be able to say that today I am over so many of my fears. Within the last year I've taken a long hard look at my life and realized how much I was missing out on because of these silly fears. I've made a conscious effort to override them. I want to get a dog now. I've learned to sleep with the lights and TV off from time to time. I've fallen in love and (also hit the ground with a big ole splat!) welcome the opportunity to do it again. Death doesn't scare me; I look forward to being able to meet the Father. Failure is nothing to be afraid of because every failure brings u closer to success. People not liking me doesn't bug me because I love me and it's really their loss. I was even afraid to let people know just how much I loved the Lord because I didn't want them to look at me as someone else. But you know what. I am someone else. God is Love and I walk in love everyday of my life now.

When I think of that person I used to be I pity her. Sometimes I still cry for her because I think of all the missed opportunities that she cheated herself out of. All the arguments she had over silly things that aren't important. All the judgemental behavior she showed to those closest to her. And the controlling nature (something I'm actively working on daily) that she exhibited. But please don't misunderstand me; some of the tears I cry for that misguided young woman are happy tears. Tears of joy that she is so far gone from the person I am now. She is that much closer to the person she was born to be. The person she knows she can be. Living in the Spiritual and not the physical. Instead of living in fear she chose to live fearlessly. After all: "As life ripens and seasons us, failure and pain are inevitable-defeat is optional. A fearless woman gains wisdom from failure, as well as courage, knowledge, fortitude, and a little attitude." Emery Burton

Ms. Sullivan is right: we aren't human without fear. But fortunately for me I am not 'only human'. I'm a child of God. I know the only thing I need to fear is God.... OK maybe big dogs and the dark still kind of scares me a bit.... But like my Pastor always says: "Change is not an event; its a process".