Same old Song, Same old Me...

I absolutely adore Pandora. It gets me through my work day and allows me to stay on a treadmill for more than 15mins. While at work I usually have my Beyoncé play list going hard. The awesome thing about this particular play list is one minute I'll be listening to Beyoncé's Countdown and then next thing I know the Temptations My Girl comes on then I take a phone call and David Crowder Bands' How He Loves Us comes on then I blink and Hootie and the Blowfish's Time is on and I'm in my office screaming "Turn that ish up! That's my jam!". Pandora listener's there is power in 'liking" particular songs..

Its my most eclectic play list and I absolutely adore it. It always plays just the right songs at just the right time. I'll be pissed off at the boo (Yes.. I have a boo now...More on that in another post on another day.) and Anthony Hamilton's The Point Of It All comes on. Or I'll be feeling under appreciated at work and Daniel Powter's Bad Day comes on. This Beyoncé play list...It just.... it gets me!

So when I started having the itch to write again I wasn't surprised when Nine Days' This is The Story of a Girl seemed to play all day everyday. I actually changed the name to this blog after hearing it again for the first time after years. This tune was the source of many teenage jam sessions in my living room. The song lyrics don't actually speak to me but man is it a catchy tune. What actually drew me to change the name of the blog is the song title..

As awesome as I am perceived to be, as confident, as sexy, as smart, as fabulously as I am known to others.. Deep down I'm really just a girl. Underneath all my bravado I am shy, scared, doubtful of myself and confused sometimes. Don't get me wrong I am happy and I am still awesome sauce but I'm also still human. At the end of the day I feel like a girl. I wake up I try my best to be the best. And sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail. So as I embarked on my 30th year of life grabbing adulthood by the reigns and riding the wave of ups and downs of 2013 I'm reminded time and again that I am just a girl. My inner child is alive and well. Itching to write and share her stories. So to my loyal followers who have been wondering where I've been. I'm back. And to new readers....This is the Story of a Girl. And that Girl is me.

Whitney sings my blues... and my Joys

I love music… I I truly do. I feel like everything I do should have music playing in the background. I used soca music to study while in undergrad and grad school to keep my energy up. I use RnB to relax before I go to sleep. At work I play soft rock, pop, top 40 stuff to keep me going throughout the day. And my drive to work each morning is an opportunity for me to sing as loudly along with some of my current favorite CDs (current Fav Anthony Hamilton’s Back to Love GETCHU SOME that is a great album!!!) to the chagrin of other motorist when I forget my windows are down.

When Whitney passed this month I thought about all the great music she was leaving us and as some of her greatest hits flooded radio and television stations I was reminded of home much her music moved me. If you follow me on twitter (@SometingSpecial) you might of seen this tweet: "Yo I could make a soundtrack to my love life using just Whitney Houston songs.." At the time Whitney's I want to Dance with somebody was playing. I remembered that feeling of wanting to have someone to call my own and thus a tweet was born. And it got retweeted by so many of my friends it got me thinking.. if I DID make a soundtrack... what would it look like? So here it is my Whitney Love Soundtrack.. May she Rest in PEACE!

*I Want to Dance with Somebody: First started thinking about having someone to call my booski. After being so wrapped up in my academics and my dancing I started longing for a partner in crime.

*If I Told You That: My first REAL boyfriend.. A friend of mine that I realized I had a bit of a crush on and since he felt the same we began dating and I experienced puppy love. Good times..

*I'm Every Woman: Okay so that relationship ended. I was bruised but not broken. And much more aware of how excessively awesome I was. Fresh in my sorority and applying for grad school I wasn't really thinking in relationship terms. But I was open to company at a movie or dinner. I did my thang thang.. I was killing it in school. killing it on the party scene. Dated around but  never anything serious because I was too busy being every woman.

*You Give Good Love: I got hit by the mack truck called love when I start dating Mr. Ex. Dragged into that relationship kicking and screaming but was ultimately happy there.. blind but happy.

*I'll Always Love You: Mr. Ex and I break up and I am absolutely devastated. Devastated.. I went past bruised and lived in broken for a long time.

*Didn't We Almost Have it All: Mr. Ex and I get back together at his insistence. Though mildly reluctant I was much more nostalgic about our relationship and decided to go with it.

*All The Man That I Need: I thought we were going to really make it work this time. Things were better than they had ever been before. We were older and more mature.. Or so I thought.

*Its Not Right But its Okay: I finally chuck the deuces and let go of that relationship. He hasn't changed and I finally take off the shades and recognize he is NOT the one.

*I Look To You: I Realize that I don't need a man to make me complete. Nobody does. We are all complete in Christ and at the end of the day we should allow two whole people to join not two half people.

*Exhale (Shoop Shoop):  I exhaled and understand that love sucks sometimes but its okay its all  for the good. Each relationship we go through is a stepping stone preparing us for the person we are meant to be with (Yes! I still believe in happy endings though I no longer believe in fairy tales.) Just be open to love happening.

*Million Dollar Bill: A much more mature woman I know what I want and now I'm attracting the right kind of men with the right kind of attitude. And though I haven't come across Mr. Right yet they are close.

*How Will I Know: After all the dates and the let downs.. I meet someone.. Its new..It isn't love yet and may not turn into it and that's okay. But for right now... I'm really excited to see where it goes.

This look anything like your Whitney Dating Soundtrack? What Whitney songs are on your love life's greatest hits? Do you think of some songs she wrote and wish they WEREN'T for you.. or that thankfully they aren't for you? Let a sister know...

Walking Song...

I. Will. Trust. You. I. Will. Trust. You. I. Will. Trust. You. As I slowly woke up this morning these words continued to play over and over in my head. I began to say them over and over as I began to gain full consciousness. I then realized I forgot to turn the TV off the night before. I realized it was a Gospel song playing. Throughout the fast I had also decided to fast from secular music as well. This hadn't been the first time I'd forgotten to turn off the television and been awakened by the sounds of praise. But today is different. Today is day 21.
Today I bring my fast to a close. Today I reflect on my 2011 thus far. Today I can say: I DID IT! Last time I fasted I cheated. I cheated not once, not twice, but three times. I ended that fast lighter. Not just physically, but emotionally, and mentally. But I wasn't lighter spiritually. Yes I felt closer to God; but I also felt some guilt for not sticking to the fast. So when I decided to embark upon this fast a couple months ago it was very important for me to stay true to it. To feel that closeness with Him with out the shame of not embracing the fast completely.
I was able to finish this time without a heavy heart. The one thing that kept me was the realization that all things happen in time. I didn't spend my fast wondering how I would get to the end of the week. I focused on getting to the end of the day. I have a tendency in life to worry about tomorrow instead of focusing on the journey of the day.
One thing I know I will take with me is learning to trust God more. Learning to let Him get me through the journey of the day and focusing on living in His word TODAY. As I've been doing the fast I've been following a 21 Day fast on the bible app on my phone and today I noticed day 13 hadn't been checked off. I'm positive that I read it but I reread it anyway again today. It was definitely needed. I realized it is exactly what I needed to take the lessons I learned in the last 21 days with me through the rest of the days of my life. 2nd Peter 2 out of the Message Bible is going to be my walking song for my daily journey. Thank you Jesus.

Live Like Your Dying

Hello My bloggy little family. I know its been awhile I was on a two week vacation. I'm back and tanned and loving it! They say Black is Beautiful; I'm darn near Gorgeous right now. But I digress The year is losing its new car smell and some of you may be forgetting all the promises you made to your self, your loved ones, and God. I'm not going to remind you. (What? I can't read your mind I don't know what promises you made!) But I am here to remind you that tomorrow isn't promised. Walk with me talk with me.

Before I left to go on vacation I had a short insignificant conversation with a male friend of mine. We'd gone to elementary and JHS together and grew up on the same block until he moved when he got to HS to another section of Brooklyn. We weren't that close but we had a shared history that enables us to converse every once in awhile and catch up with one another. He had gone from the nerdy dude with the SUPER high water uniform slacks to a pretty decent man and father. We talked about his son and some plans he had for the upcoming year and I gave him the haps on my life and how some mutual friends were doing. We parted ways with intentions of catching up again at some other point in time and went about our business.

I went on vacation had one of the best times I've had in a long time. Just an FYI I went to Trinidad for Carnival. I've gone every year, except 09, since 2005 and this year by far was my favorite time. And my last. There is a lot more of the world I want to see and jumping up in a band in TnT is something I can hold off on for a few years while I check out Asia and Africa. But again I digress.. Upon my return I sign into my facebook account to let my fans(friends) know of my return and I see a note in my inbox. Yep you guessed it. A mutual friend msg'd me while I was away to let me know our friend had died. I was in shock obviously. At the ripe old age of 26 you don't think about your mortality too often. I will admit when I was 22 and got the news that my step brother had been murdered I did get a smack of that reality; but I guess I'd forgotten.

After getting confirmation from some other friends that the funeral had been the weekend that just passed and his death was still something of a mystery because no one really knew how he died. They just knew it was a medical issue I kind of found myself in a place where I wanted to get all my affairs in order. I started to wonder if when he realized he was about to die did he have any regrets. Did he wish he had did something or that he hadn't done something. At that point I made it my business to do and say all that I needed to in case today was my last. Some people were receptive, others not so much. The point is that we shouldn't wait until we are staring our morality in the face for us to do what needs to be done.

Release that grudge

Tell that person you love them

Hold tight to those that you don't want to lose

Eat too much Chocolate Cake

Run barefoot

LIVE LIKE YOU ARE DYING

Do NOT wait until what you want is no longer available to you to realize what could be yours. Take stock of your lives and figure out if you have been giving big time to little things and rectify that error because today is as good a time as any to not just be alive but to live.

Ship is coming in...

Yes I know this is the longest I've been away. I missed you bloggy family! I really have. I've been very focused on preparing myself for some professional endeavors the last few weeks as well as engaging in some personal ones as well. I been working hard guys and my ship is finally coming in.

Professionally I have been working on placing myself in a position to have some very big things happen for me in the next few years. I was studying for my professional license which opens a lot of doors for me. I am happy to report that I took the exam last week and passed that exam! **does her happy dance** I had been preparing to take this exam for over a year. The financial piece and the studying piece were difficult for me. I banned myself from reading books (I'm a serious book worm) as well as put myself under "house arrest". So there was no traveling for months at a time. Both were something I love doing as I read 3-4books a month and usually travel once a month as well. But all that hard work has paid off and I am on my way to fulfilling several goals that when I first made them I felt silly for wanting so much. I've surprised myself but its helped me to gain more faith in my ability to allow God to bless me.

Personally... Mmmm... I'm not sure where even to begin. Lol I was reflecting the other day about how much I've changed. I don't even remember what made me think of it in the first place but the magnitude of that change hit me and wow'd me. This time last year I was in a very bad place; and I was wallowing there. Very few people knew how bad I was and some friends of mine who've known me for 10+ yrs were shocked by how un-Special-like I was. In a way as I began to come out of it I think this blog helped me to get a lot of those toxins out. This year was a transition year for me. I was in the the middle of a storm and with God's help I was able to walk out of it with very few nicks and cuts. I'm stronger, wiser, and better for it. And I would never ask that it had not happened because we must always remember that: all that we go through, the good the bad and the ugly, comes together to make us who we are. And if not for the bad, the ugly, and even the evil we would not realize our own worth or our strength. You cannot truly appreciate your success without acknowledging your failure. And through those success and failures I am making some moves to allow God to bless me with the desires of my heart.

And with all that being said I am truly looking forward to the new year. I first thought 09 wouldn't be that great but it turned into one of the best years of my life and that only allows me to prepare myself for even more great things in 2010. Though I did abandon you and I can't promise it won't happen again I hope you stay around to grow with me next year. We can stumble and fall together and be better for it. Love you and I'll see you around family!

Music is My Heart and Soul...

I sometimes wonder if my mom played music to me when I was in her womb. And if she did if I kicked and squirmed and do something off the wall... I have always felt a pull to music. I feel it in the fiber of my being. I love the beat I love the lyrics I even love the expression on the faces of those singing the song. I've been caught dancing when there is no music playing on MANY occasions. And I bop my head and tap my feet and gain the stares of curious on lookers. I inhale music too. S friend jokingly referred to me as an IPOD during a road trip out to VA Beach. We had Sirius radio playing majority of the ride and we'd be switching music stations back and forth. We played old school, new school, alternative, hip hop, r and b, everything. And regardless of the song that was playing I just sat there and sang a long. He'd turn and ask me if I knew the artist or the name of the song and half the time I did. The times when I didn't I still sang the song word for word fighting to hit every note haha! And don't try to get the mike out of my hand during Karaoke... I go IN!

I sometimes find myself listening to music when I am going through different experiences. There are different songs that I listen to when I'm happy, sad, lonely, etc. And honestly there are those times when I can hear a song that evokes an emotion in me I didn't know was there. Tears it from my soul and put it right in front of my face forcing me to acknowledge it. A song will be playing and a memory will come to mind for me. I have certain songs that ALWAYS pull a certain something out of me. There are certain songs that remind me of certain people in my life. It blows my mind that it even has that kind of power over me. Here is a snippet of my love affair with music.

**When I dance around my living room I start with: Beach Boys Good Vibrations Honestly this song really does help to bring for good vibrations when I am feeling down. It gets me pumped and ready to allow the music to heal me. After I run this track two or three times I usually am ready to let the MP3 player run at random. I'll slow dance, cha cha, do a jitter bug.. But first.. I need to be hit by the Good Vibrations...

**Song that ALWAYS brings tears of thanks to my eyes: Byron Cage I will Bless The Lord Whether I'm in Church or at home or on the street.. this song plays and my eyes well up. I just get consumed by the awesomeness that is Jesus and I'm blown away that he loves me in spite of me. It reminds me that his Grace even before I was saved carried me and it just lifts me up. Reminds me that regardless of my situation I WILL BLESS THE LORD...

**Yahoo Music Station that is playing at work: Adult RnB with the occasional switch to Gospel I work at a Mental Health apartment facility so needless to say it can get interesting...often. The Adult RnB station is in heavy rotation and it keeps me calm and far away from Burnout... When I need a extra healing I switch to the Gospel station to remember how fortunate I am...

**Song I want played at my Funeral: Cool and The Gang Celebration I don't care how I died, I don't care who went with me, I don't want my family and friends to focus on me being gone. I want them to Celebrate the good times that we had. I don't want people wearing black either. Bright colors and white. The wake (nights leading up to the funeral) they can mourn all they want. But when it is time to say good bye.... I want tearful smiles...

**New School Group That Heals Me: 112 Any Album Especially the first one In college I really grew into a passionate individual. I went through some ups and downs that surprised me and through it all whenever I would feel like I couldn't go on.. I'd sit in my room turn off all the lights and just let 112 play. Sometimes for a whole day. Id go to sleep and wake up to their voices and sometimes it didn't even matter what song was playing.. It was just something about their voices that would lift me up and soothe me...

**Old School Group That Heals Me: Earth, Wind, and Fire This group is... just phenomenal.. There are a lot of old school groups and artists that I absolutely LOVE but there is something about Earth, Wind, and Fire that gets me up gets me dancing. Not toe tapping, not bopping my head UP AND MOVING UP AND GROOOVING..

**Music TV Station: Music Choice RnB Soul I go to sleep, wake up, shower, dress, you name it to this channel. There are sometimes DAYS that come and go where I don't change the channel. It has to be a really good reason that makes me switch it from this channel. I'm even guilty of being late because I didn't want to leave while a song is playing...

**Songs Currently Haunting Me: Anthony Hamilton Point Of It All This song is currently in heavy rotation. I don't have it saved anywhere. I turn on my TV and it'll be playing on Music Choice. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and if I forgot to turn off the TV its playing. I'll wake up in the morning and that last line is fading out.. "And the point of it all... I Love You Whenever we're apart It damn near starves my heart I don't want to be apart"...

**Song that always gets me upset: Michael Jackson They Don't Really Care About Us This is self explanatory. There are so many ills in our world whenever I hear the song and am reminded I want to get up and start a rally or something Haha..

**All Time Favorite: Luther Vandross... Honestly there is maybe only one or two songs that he has EVER made that I'm not a big fan of. And that isn't even saying I don't LIKE the song. It just wouldn't be the first one I played. Luther is an Amazing Artist. I LOVE Michael... but there is just something soooo soulful about Luther that gets me EVERY time.. Michael and Prince come up right behind him though....

We'll those are a SMIDGEN of the songs that have impacted me. What songs move you, vex you, tear you down, or build you up?

THIS is How its Done...

**Admin Note: I recently read this post on http://www.flyguychronicles.com/ The post was entitled the Pleasure of Meeting you is All Mine. I find too often guys do not know how to approach women. If they aren't shouting out a million and one names to get your attention or making cat calls its something else. I haven't met a lot of guys who have mastered the art of getting a woman's attention that is both respectful, sincere, and isn't pushy. I felt TheFlyGuy's post was a lot closer to what Ladies are looking for... And notice I said Ladies.... Every Female isn't a Lady And please enjoy the Boys 2 Men Live Show of Thank You In Advance (Someone commented about the post being reminiscent of the song and I can't help but agree!!)**

Excuse me if I’m interrupting you, but I’d like to formally introduce myself. I know that we often move in the same circles and know the same people, but we’ve never had the opportunity to speak face to face … that is, until now. Look, I know I only have but a fleeting moment to capture your attention, so I’ll get straight to the point…

I think you’re fly.

I do.

It’s just the way that you carry yourself, the way that you encourage others, and the way that you fearlessly pursue your goals … I’m hooked. Well, as hooked as one can be off of first, second and third impressions.

I’d like a fourth

… and possibly a fifth.

With those impressions, I’d also like the chance to leave one of my own—one that reveals to you a guy who isn’t trying to promise you the world on day one, but who is promising you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You see, I’m not very good when it comes to these things, but I do know how to speak from the heart. And what my heart is telling me is that it would like just a few more moments of your time…

If that’s ok with you.





To view the actual video please click the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZQMYYFhLto

Ladies: Do you have any bad pick up lines you've heard before? Men: Is this something you think is actually doable? Do you have something better?

Be RHOyal.... Be a Queen!!

Queen: A woman eminent in power or attractions; the highest of her kind; as, a queen in society; -- also used figuratively of cities, countries, etc. a woman, or something personified as a woman, that is foremost or preeminent in any respect

I love all Ladies independent or not but regardless if a chick is paying her own bills, her baby daddy is, or her sugar daddy is plenty of us (yes US) have a lot to learn about being a Queen. Especially when it comes to dating and relationships. You ask a woman what she wants out of a relationship be it marriage or just a dating relationships and she tells yous all that she wants her man to do for her. To often females are wrapped up in what they want out of a partner they never get around to what they can give. You cannot get a King if you are not a Queen.

What do YOU as a women have to offer a man? Do you make the grade on several levels? Physically: your looking for Will Smith/Morris Chestnut but you keep a sloppy appearance? Mentally: You want an Einstein and you don't care to strengthen your own mind? It may not be a muscle but it still needs to exercise! Emotionally: You want someone without drama but your still holding on to that break-up in 3rd grade when you got dumped for the girl that ate paste? Personality: You want someone whose insides are excessively awesome yet you lack the capacity to excel past your inner beauty. Spiritually: You want a God-fearing/loving man but can't remember the last time you stepped inside a Church much less opened your bible and soaked up God's Word. To often females aren't worthy of the men they seek. If you want to get a King you need to focus on becoming a Queen.

Physical beauty is something that can only be affirmed by whoever is looking. What look good to Mike may not look good to Paul. But I think that there are some overall things that every Queen should strive for: (1) Take care of your skin. Light/dark or a Brownin be mindful of your skin. Wash your face regularly and try to avoid dark spots. Drink lots of water to keep it hydrated. Also use good products to keep your skin soft. I haven't met a man yet that appreciates tough/rough skin. (2) Wear your weight well. Whether your a size 0 or a 26 somebody is interested. Whatever you weigh you need to wear your clothes well. Buy close that fit YOU not your favorite actress or recording star. It may look good on the mannequin but look disastrous on you. (3) Be Healthy. Regardless of what you weigh be mindful of your own body. At 25/35 or even 45 you shouldn't get winded or achy after going up a flight of steps! NO BUENO. Exercise and eat right it can only help.

Mental stimulation is something everyone is interested in on some level. Regardless of age you should always remain teachable. Being out of school is no reason NOT to renew your mind. College may not be for everyone but neither is ignorance. Pick up a book, take a class, turn on the history channel! I know the news can be depressing at times but you should always be informed on current events. Knowing more about what department store has a sale this week than the going ons of your city/state/country is NOT cute. And be mindful of who you drop that "I don't do reading" line on. Its a turn-off for me personally.

Emotionally you have to make sure you are in shape. Holding on to baggage that hinders you is not a good look. Romantic relationships aren't the only ones that leave baggage. Get over your mommy issues, your daddy issues, your color complex, and your self-esteem killers. You need to be whole as a person before you even attempt to seriously date someone. You cannot be a Queen if you are hardened by bitterness, regret, pain, etc. Open your mouth and talk to someone or get a journal and get it all out. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Purge yourself of all the negative energy that is either lying dormant or running amok in your life.

Personality is BIG. Make sure you are portraying the kind of characteristics that are royal. Character is very important. It is the essence of who you are. You can be a quiet person or a very sociable person but you still want to be of good character. Be humble, respectful, and always walk in love. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Just because you are a Queen it doesn't mean you are perfect. It just means you are perfect in your imperfections. When you know who you are others will want to know you as well.

Spirituality is complex. If you are interested in meeting someone who is a God-fearing man then you need to be someone who would be the kind of person they would be interested in. Showing up at Church every Sunday is not the end all be all. You can sit through an entire service not soaking in the word but taking in the sights wearing a outfit that would make the devil himself blush. Jesus should be your first love. When you get to know our God you truly find out who YOU are. Read your bible, pray, meditate on the Word. Praise and Worship God for all he has done for you. A good friend of mine said Prayers go up and Blessings come down. You'd be surprised who and what you become blessed with.

All in all each one of these attributes should be something you want for yourself. Be recognized as the Queen you are and be treated as such. But the first person to treat you royally is yourself. No one will respect you if you don't care to respect yourself. Again: ONLY a Queen is good enough for a King. If you want to be with Court Jesters/Dukes/Earls by all mean keep half stepping. But if you expect a King BE a Queen.

This one is for the Homies..

The last few days I have been given so much reinforcement of just how blessed I am. I have a really great set of friends and a family (extended and immediate) that is dysfunctional and more than any lady could ask for. I have just felt so much love in the lats week coming from so many different angles it has kept a constant smile on my face. Please do not get it twisted I do not need to know my worth from others to feel good about myself. But when you are able to get a glimpse of how God smiles down on you... man its giving a sistah warm and fuzzy feelings on the inside.

But more than my gratitude it has renewed my spirit to be the best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, soror, that I can be. Through out the last few days I've not been so blinded by my own happiness to notice the unhappiness of some very dear friends of mine. I can hear the crack in their voices and see the tears in their eyes when they speak even if they choose to think I don't. More than anything I get so much joy out of making the people I love feel special. Before being 'In Love' turned me into a me a sap I was already was 'Miz Sunshine'. Basically I have always been that kind of person that tried to be that ray of sunlight for people whenever possible. Reminding them that their glass isn't half empty but half full. Now that I'm saved though I realize it isn't even half full the cup runneth over.

This entry is for those friends. I want to remind them that regardless of any and everything that they are going through their cup indeed runneth over. Running and hiding doesn't solve any problems. You are stronger than you think and that strength will lead you through even the most harrowing of life's adventures. Do not sell yourself short. Call your own bluff and see what you are made of. God wouldn't put more on you than you can bear. Have faith and trust in yourself as he trusts in you to swim across the widest seas and climb over the tallest mountains. So dear friends in a nutshell I just want you to know: It's going to be ALRIGHT.

Learning to Love Storms...

So I'm sitting on the train waiting for my train to hit Fulton so I can transfer for the last leg of my commute to work. I randomly decided I want some Mary Mary in my ear and as I'm bopping my head to the music and getting my lip sync on this song comes on.

I got really into it and found my fingers itching to write down all the thoughts that were forming in my brain. I know I wrote a entry yesterday and two the night before so I was gonna take a little bloggy break but I couldn't help this one. Sometimes you just have to answer the call.

Storms can be hard to handle in any variation: Snow, Rain, Sand, etc. The hardest in my opinion are those personal life storms. Like the aforementioned storms they can blow and batter you and if unprotected may even have the power to take your life. But unlike those storms personal life storms can last weeks to months, even years. Could you imagine living in a rainstorm for years?! Thundering clapping all around. Lightening striking every few minutes. Rain pouring down constantly, leaving you soaked and your clothes sticky and itchy. I couldn't imagine that but some people live it EVERY day.

But like the food we eat, the air we breathe, and the water we drink: We NEED storms to live. Personal storms are either God sent or God used. Let me explain: God is going to send a storm into your life or he is going to use a storm to enlighten you and help you to grow. Storms help us to strengthen our character and fine tune our faith. God wouldn't give us anymore than we can bare. I know sometimes we just wish he didn't trust us as much as he does but we need to have faith in him. Like the chorus goes: "We all need a little bit need a little bit, need a little bit of dirt to grow. We need a little bit need a little bit, need a little rain to wash our soul". Its exactly what we need; and that's exactly why I've learned to love storms. When you fight hard, pray, and have faith in the Lord you will always come out the Victor and not the Victim.

The best part about Storms is when its over and you feel the warmth of the sunshine on your face. You appreciate it more having experienced your storm. You should never leave a storm bitter. I learned in bible study that the storms we go through are just something that happens to us. Bitterness is something we do to ourselves. Its an internal assassin that kills from the inside out. It blinds you and I to good events and make disappointments huge... Basically whatever the storm you go through if your bitter about it: You didn't learn your whole lesson from it and will probably end up in another or different kind of storm until you do.

I still don't think I'd wish a storm my way but I definitely would understand and appreciate the need for them better than I have before. I am really learning to love storms. And isn't that one of the things love is about anyways? Being able to love despite the hardship you go through because in the end (whatever end that may be) you always come out stronger. I may be wrong but I'm still learning to love storms and you should too....

My Unlikely Anthem

I come from a long line of lushes. You don't know what a lush is? Its a drunkard, an alcoholic, need I really go on? Like I was saying I come from a long line of lushes. I mean these people throw it back from my grandmother to my younger cousins... some of whom haven't hit 21 yet! And whenever I meet a new friend of the family there is always that awkward stare and point thing they do usually accompanied by the: "YOU don't drink?!? Where'd they find you?!" I've gotten used to it. It's never really been my thing. This is usually quite a revelation for anyone who has ever seen me at a party or just when I'm feeling extra hyper.. Its a natural high people. I don't like liquor it taste disgusting to me there hasn't really been anything I've tasted that has made me change my mind. I will forever be known as the chick with the water at the bar (Thank God they come in the pretty glass bottles now!). But with all this being said.. it is quite remarkable that this song is my anthem... What can I say.. it RHO-cks...

**Stops doing her solo rave dance** OMG.. I absolutely love this song. I do I really do. I always have. I even got my younger brother to do a dance I made up to this song. (The basic jest of said dance: We literally knocked each other down and got back up again but it was SO fun!).

I think I love this song so much because:

1. Its my philosophy for my life: "I get knocked down.. But I'll get up again.. Your never gonna keep me down." Its as simple as that. Life is going to throw down some heavy blows on me from time to time in the form of various people and situations BUT it won't be enough to KEEP me down. 2. I like to think positively. I love the part in the song when he sings: "He sings the songs that reminds him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the better time." **does that really slow clap while standing up** I love it. Why bother to sing the songs that remind you of the bad times (beyond recognizing what you were able to gain out of those bad times of course)? Stick to the good and the better! Dwelling on bad times and people is NO BUENO

3. And my favorite... It may be the greatest Karaoke song of all time... The lyrics are so simple how DARE you mess up the word? Its my 4Th favorite. Right after (1) Aerosmith-Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (2) Madonna- Like a Prayer and (3) Luther Vandross- Never Too Much **throws the shades on** I'm the karaoke queen. I should get paid for the shows I put on...

**Dust the dirt off her feathers** Speaking of which you got any karaoke favs? Or should I say any singing in the shower favs?

The Old me

Dogs, Cats, The dark, Truth, Snakes, Love, Death, Life, Failure, Success, Old age, My Mama, Strangers, Friends, Did I mention the dark? These were just a few things that I was afraid of. As mentioned before in some entry on this blog long ago I'm taking a 6month hiatus from dating. (Yea I know I know and yes: I am a little crazy. But that isn't the point of this entry.) This whole hiatus is about me taking care of self. (Yes I know you don't believe me. But once again this is NOT about a man!!) One of the things I'm supposed to do during these 6 months is figure out 3 things about myself that are counterproductive and use a concordance (basically its a verse finder for the bible) to find and memorize scriptures that combat my negative behavior. Now when I got to this particular chapter I was at a loss of what three things to choose. I'm perfect! (LOL Yea right!) Within the span of a day of self reflection and deep conversations with some of the people that know me best I came up with my three. The number one counterproductive thing about me that came up time and time again was: Fear.

I mean it was the first thing out of every one's mouth when I did my little survey. An X, who is a very good friend of mine, even joked that he believes I'm scared of EVERYTHING. (Well blah to him I don't care what he says I'm positive his pet parakeet was out for blood that day I was sitting on the couch but i digress...) I wasn't completely surprised by this response. I know I can be a scardy cat. I guess I didn't realize that it effected the way I lived as much as I came to find out. I knew to a point that I had a problem with fear on some of the bigger stuff(i.e. love, death, failure..the DARK!!). I'd been doing my own work towards fixing things before I even picked up this book (Knight in Shining Armor if I didn't mention it already GREAT READ). I mean my being with Mr. X to the capacity that I was allowed me to debunk a couple fears that related to relationships. Now I am just doing a more intense look at the reasons for being so fearful and debunking all of those fears. I don't want to be this person who lets fear rule their life.

As this song began to play on my MP3 player during my evening commute I took a hard listen to the lyrics and I was blown away. Being that fearful sounded insane to me. I played it about two or three more times (OK seven times!!) and realized this was the old me. That person who was just scared of everything and everyone; even herself. I am very happy to be able to say that today I am over so many of my fears. Within the last year I've taken a long hard look at my life and realized how much I was missing out on because of these silly fears. I've made a conscious effort to override them. I want to get a dog now. I've learned to sleep with the lights and TV off from time to time. I've fallen in love and (also hit the ground with a big ole splat!) welcome the opportunity to do it again. Death doesn't scare me; I look forward to being able to meet the Father. Failure is nothing to be afraid of because every failure brings u closer to success. People not liking me doesn't bug me because I love me and it's really their loss. I was even afraid to let people know just how much I loved the Lord because I didn't want them to look at me as someone else. But you know what. I am someone else. God is Love and I walk in love everyday of my life now.

When I think of that person I used to be I pity her. Sometimes I still cry for her because I think of all the missed opportunities that she cheated herself out of. All the arguments she had over silly things that aren't important. All the judgemental behavior she showed to those closest to her. And the controlling nature (something I'm actively working on daily) that she exhibited. But please don't misunderstand me; some of the tears I cry for that misguided young woman are happy tears. Tears of joy that she is so far gone from the person I am now. She is that much closer to the person she was born to be. The person she knows she can be. Living in the Spiritual and not the physical. Instead of living in fear she chose to live fearlessly. After all: "As life ripens and seasons us, failure and pain are inevitable-defeat is optional. A fearless woman gains wisdom from failure, as well as courage, knowledge, fortitude, and a little attitude." Emery Burton

Ms. Sullivan is right: we aren't human without fear. But fortunately for me I am not 'only human'. I'm a child of God. I know the only thing I need to fear is God.... OK maybe big dogs and the dark still kind of scares me a bit.... But like my Pastor always says: "Change is not an event; its a process".

Lost In Translation...?

I hate general education requirements. I do.. I really do. A bunch of classes that you HAVE to take.. and you also HAVE to pay for. It would be one thing if upon enrollment to University they gave you this list of classes you must take and offered to pay for them as well but its quite another when your expected to foot the bill. I mean really? I have to pay for the class... AND the books too. Its a bit much. So its unnecessary but I'll say it: I put off my GenEds until the last possible moment. So much so that by the time my senior year was coming up I had about 3-4 classes that I hadn't fulfilled (Oops?)

I had to think fast. I was not going to fill up my courses my senior year. To make matters worse one of the courses I needed to do was Foreign Language. Not only did I have to do a semester it was an entire year of classes FOUR days a week. Ummmm Excuse me???

So of course.. I did what any self respecting College Student would do. I quickly got close to an Administrator who could give me a shortcut (Ewww get your minds out of the gutter!). So one week later I had concocted the perfect scheme. I got 3 GenEds thrown into my complete file by deciding to jump on a plane and head out to Europe. I mean seriously isn't it better to learn while DOING? I was just being a responsible student. How best to get that writing, foreign language, and European history credit knocked out than by hanging out in a cafe in Florence with a cute Italian that refers to me as Bella?? And oooooo how the Italians loved me... They appreciate these curves!!

*wraps up my Italian version of 'doing the butt'* Yea so what I loved most about Italy beyond the food and the people was..THE MUSIC. I mean Grande Baboomba I have NO idea what he is saying beyond talking about how fly shorty is but it would come on in the club 'Central Park' and I would be screaming 'Arriba!! Arriba!! Arriba!!' at the top of my lungs. I got off the plane at JFK with so many CDs its insane. I wish I could litter this blog with all of my favorite songs but that's a bit OD.. So I leave you with 'Sere Nere' by Tiziano Ferro (My FAVORITE Italian artist hands down).

The song is about the sadness he feels after a break up. How intensely he feels the absence of his sweetie. Its a great song and after playing the CD continuously I had all my siblings singing along in the house that summer of 2004. In English the name means: Black Nights The chorus goes a little something like *clears throat*:

Di sere nere (about the black nights)

Che non c'è tempo (cause there's not much time)

Non c'è spazio (there's not much space)

E mai nessuno capirà (and nobody will ever understand)

Puoi rimanere (you may stay)

Perché fa male male (cause it hurts)

Male da morire (hurts really badly)

Senza te (being without you)

Song is so bad @$$... I'd have my headphones on hanging out at the Brooklyn Promenade pretending I'm looking out over the Arno river in Florence singing the song all loud in fluent Italian. Yea.. it was a strange sight I'm sure. But... Music transcends language

Consider this a favor...

You know, I think when I initially created this blog I subconsciously vowed to never blog on this particular subject. Some things I just didn't want to delve into. Deep down inside I knew I'd be compelled to get it all down on 'paper' but just the thought that it would be all out there deep and raw on the world wide web stopped me. But as I lie in bed and try to fall asleep I can't help but jot these thoughts down; because besides music writing has always helped me stay centered. And most of all... who knows maybe someone else on the other side of the ocean needs to be reading this as much as I need to be writing this at this exact moment...

I've never been a girly girl. I dislike pink. I like playing touch football. I've always hated shopping. I mean I could go on forever. I don't DO honey, baby, touchy feely stuff and feelings have always been something I've had no problem ignoring. Until HIM. Now obviously from my music selection you know I'm referring to an ex. You know that saying "some people bring out the worst in us"? It is SO true. Luckily it works in the positive way as well: Some people bring out the best in us. I've been blessed to have dated someone that brought out the best and the worst in me. To evoke feelings I didn't think I had (ranging from jealousy and anger to love and that touchy feely crap). To be honest: feelings I didn't care to have anyways. Yet they tore down walls and broke through barriers erected with years of control and mistrust.

But after all is said and done I realize this person STILL can bring out the best and worst in me. Unfortunately post break up its usually the worst. Thankfully my worst could be characterized as some people's best. I've heard stories of hacking into emails, breaking into apartments, bottles of bleach thrown into closetst (lol that one still makes me laugh). The most I deal with is the occasional petty argument or fits of rants and raves that my poor siblings, soRHOrs and friends must live thru (sorry guys). I even get all conspiracy theory nutszoid: Is he trying to drive me nuts? Is Mariah Carey in cahoots with him why are they ALWAYS playing "I stay in love" on Music Choice!! I know I know... *shaking my head in exasperation*

And then I remember all of those 'bests' that have come out of all this. I'm stronger (Glory to GOD!!), I'm much more in tune with who I am and want (I've matured SO much), I can breath easy knowing I am capable of being a absolutely fab-tastic girlfriend (hey I really didn't think I had it in me! Now I can't help but think how lucky the next guy I end up with will be. I got quality merchandise here! ha ha). I mean I can honestly say that I've learned so much from the entire experience and so I will never regret it or HIM.

I think the main thing that gets me thru those bouts of 'worst' is knowing that (1) it happens to the best of us and (2) It doesn't last forever. Not just the bouts of the 'worst' but that feeling of attachment to said X. One day I'm going to stop counting how long its been since we broke up, I won't remember his birthday, and i'll know Valentine's day is more than just the day we met. I won't wonder what his reaction would be if he knew where I was and with whom. And I definitely won't give a rats patootie if he has moved on or not. And THAT day is one that I wait for with bated breath. I know with each additional day that passes I get closer and closer to that day. I realize the day that I wake up and DON'T think: 'Is today the day?' will mean that today ISN'T that day but it isn't to far off.

But... Dag Nabbit I sure do wish that day could hurry up and get here...

Ok I admit it...

So on this Valentines Day (aka Singles Awareness Day) I chose not to 'get down'. Valentines Day has never been a favorite holiday of mine. No, not because I suffer from chronic singleness ha ha! But it always seemed like a made up holiday. As I've gotten older I took on the tradition of going out with my single friends or my friend's whose significant other maybe in another state or something or other. I used to call it an Anti-Valentine's Day celebration. I started it the year I turned 21 and have been doing it every year. Ive had two boyfriends since but have always celebrated this tradition with friend's instead of celebrating with my boyfriend.(Yea so they said they weren't into Valentine's Day either ) I don't know this year I didn't feel like it. Maybe I've grown up a bit and can see past it just being a made up holiday. Some people really enjoy it and who am I to hate?

So I chose to use this day as a day of reflection. Reflecting on the kind of relationship I'd want to have with a man and reflecting on the love I already receive from God (notice the pictures in each blog reflects the kind of love I have with both). So I wrote a blog on my way to my second job (yea ya girl be GRINDING) and decided to post it once I got home in the evening. But as I was procrastinating before I got on blogger I read this article named"Is this What Romance Looks Like?" (http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=17405323). The article was a series of short stories written by different women who have REAL love. Not the candy, teddy bears, and cheesy vday date love; the kind that only comes around once a year. But REAL love.




The kind of love that stays in bed with you all day and rubs your stomach when you have your eriod P. The kind of love that leaves you little notes just so you know they are thinking about you. The kind of love that still finds you beautiful when you have boogers running down your nose from a bad cold. Or when you've gained 20lbs.. Or you have the runs from eating bad Indian food (Who loves Chicken Tikka Masala? I do!!)... Not the superficial kind that loves you in the sunshine but not in the rain, that doesn't understand why they have to meet your friend's or family.. Or the kind that has the need to be told in five minute intervals that you love them for them to actually believe it.

The REAL stuff. The stuff with substance. The kind of love that comes so close to the kind of unconditional love that God bestows on us everyday. The kind of love I want. Yes I admit it I'll even say it again: The kind of love I want. The kind of love that I crave. The kind of love that I am waiting for. The kind of love that I know I'm capable of, but have yet to meet someone worthy of (Yea I said it.. To my Xs sorry. One of you was close but... no cigar...?). It's a shame that kind of love isn't everywhere.

I have always been a goal-oriented person. I am the kind of person that will crack a joke at the drop of a dime but I take myself so seriously. I want so much for myself and I make it happen regardless of the odds stacked against me. Professionally I have been steadily rising in the ranks of my career. I'm the ultimate Independent Woman. So much so that people in my family couldn't believe when I revealed how much I want a husband and family. I want it ALL. But I refuse to settle. I don't want the superficial love or the I think I love you, or god forbid 'Girl you know I got love for you'. I want the REAL stuff. And I deserve it and not for any other reason beyond the fact that that's what I give. Ain't no half stepping. When I say I love hard it's no joke; I go IN. And I need the same in return. I can't settle, I just can't. It's not in me to settle. I've tried (Ooooo I have tried so hard...) and it doesn't work for me. So I'm prepared to wait.... As long as it takes. Basically what it all comes down to is... I just wanna be loved.

You love me cause I got my own...??

A couple years ago I vaguely remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine about Fantasia's Baby Mama song. Now I am a fan of Fantasia and of Baby Mamas alike. But I was asking this friend where the Ode to US was.Us being the sisters who weren't baby mamas or video vixens, the ones who were reformed round the way girls, off at college working our behinds off to make something of ourselves? I can't remember much more about the conversation beyond the 'Yea girl we gets no love'. So imagine how tickled I was to have Ne-yo come out with Ms. Independent. And then the soon to follow: She Got Her Own with Mr. Foxx and Fab.
Finally!! Someone was acknowledging all that we've been trying to do. We didn't have to have a baby or shake it fast in front of the camera. And what made it better for me was the fact that a African American man was singing. Not that we need their approval but their support is always nice. Black woman and Black men of my time (in my opinion) have a love/hate relationship. But that's a blog for another time I digress...I was riding my Ms. Independent high for awhile... before the backlash hit.
What Backlash u ask? Well I started listening to lyrics and praise we were getting and a lot of what I heard disturbed me a bit. "I love her cause she got her She don't need mine, So she leave mine alone There ain't nothing that's more sexy Than a girl that want but don't need me" So wait... I'm confused. Is it that we are finally being recognized for making it do what it do OR are they just tired of the Gold diggers sucking them dry?
Then let's not forget backlash #2: Sugar Daddys!! All of a sudden its like "You Ms. Independent right? When you buying me something?" Hey don't get me wrong I don't mind dipping into my own pocket since I completed my 12 step Dinner Whore group. I don't mind buying dinner for myself or my date every so often. Or giving a guy a gift on a day that isn't his B-Day, our anniversary, our Christmas. But when in the song did it say that we became your personal piggy bank? Break glass in case of EMERGENCY or when the new game system comes out.
And the worse backlash of them all: thinking that is ALL that we are. Yes I have two advanced degrees. Yes I hold a managerial position at work. Yes I have my own place and pay my own bills ON TIME. But when did that turn into: I don't want a partner to share my life with and to tell me shut up when I get to high and mighty? Or I don't want children to love and adore and most importantly wash that sink full of dishes after dinner? I think somewhere between Ms. Independent and She Got Her Own someone dropped the ball. I AM Ms. Independent but don't love me because you got burned by a chick who had diamonds in her eyes or you looking to save yourself a couple dollars. And please Please PLEASE remember: I'm not JUST Ms. Independent... I'm EVERY woman.

Everybody Knows

Ok so I LOVE music. No.. like I LOVE music. Reggae, RnB, Soca, Alternative, Rock, Country, yo.. I even listen to world music (Shout Out to Tiziano Ferro one of Italy's best). My Creative Zen (shove it you Ipoders) is chock full of music. I sometimes just let it play on random just to laugh at how eclectic my tastes are. Buju Banton be belting out "I'm a livin while I'm livin to di father I will pray only him know how mi get thru everyday" then Faith Hill starts singing "And I can feel you breath Its washing over me And suddenly I'm melting into you" and then Hinder starts screaming: "Honey why you calling me so late?". Its a high for me. I just love it.

You know what I'm loving on right now though? John Legend's album Evolver. See I 'borrowed' it from my sister a couple weeks ago and I am running this CD like crazy. I have not been disappointed yet by Mr. Legend. He is just... there are no words. I love this album just as much as Once Again and Get Lifted. From the up tempo Green Light to the mesmerizing I Love, You Love: I'm sold (and my sister may be out of a CD). But there is one particular track on here that I can't let just play twice (once is not an option for me): 'Everybody Knows' aka Track 4.

I'll be the first to admit post-break up the song REALLY spoke to me on the most obvious level of... "Dang.. I really miss dude. Why are we broken up again?" Then after the second time I play it and I remember the 'Why' I hear something else: "Everybody knows that.. Nobody really knows: How to make it work or... How to ease the hurt, We've heard it all before and... Everybody knows: Just how to make it right... I wish we gave it one more try..... Cause everybody knows.. But nobody really knows." Now Mr. Legend isn't say anything that we don't already know.. Or do we?

How many of us have gone to a friend after an argument with our significant other and got one of these two responses: "Girl I TOLD you he aint NO GOOD. You know what you gotta do right?!"/"My dude I don't even know why you sittin here hung up on shorty... She wasn't that cute. Think about all di chicks you can get NOW!".... or lets give our friends the benefit of the doubt and say we hear something like: "Girl don't even get yourself all worked up. It is probably not as big a deal as your making it out to be. I'm sure he meant.."/ "Dude you got a good chick right there. Whateva she said you did... Just say sorry! It don't even matter... And get flowers! Chicks love that kinda thing" I'm gonna put myself out there and admit I have gotten these responses before from well meaning friends who love me and who only want my happiness.. But they don't know Jack Schitt!!

No one really knows HOW to make a relationship work. Like a fingerprint; no two relationships are the same. Yet everywhere you go there is a fix. Everybody always has advice for you and your relationship and they know exactly what you need to do to get back on the right path.... Or do they? No they don't. As well meaning as the advice is; first and foremost you should pray on it and then you might want to talk to your significant other. The two of you are in the relationship. Not you your significant other and your cousin Jackie/Jason or ya sister's baby's father's play cousin Maria/Mark. No. Just you and your significant other.

Granted some say Love is Blind and you need to have somebody on the outside to 'check' you. But lets be real careful about who we are leaving ourselves accountable too. Your best friend who was cheated on by their last two partners and hasn't gotten over it quiet yet MIGHT not be the ticket. And also please remember that whoever it is hearing your 3AM rant is going to have to play Devil's Advocate because lets face it they don't have an objective view of your significant other. Majority of the what they've probably heard is bad with a splash of good every blue moon. And honestly when its all said and done whether you stay with your significant other or not YOU will deal with the consequences not whoever gave you advice. If you must; be very mindful of who you let into your relationship.. Also be mindful of what advice you give out yourself (I'm still feeling a tad guilty about the advice I gave a friend in 7th grade to break up with her bf.. the idiot did it! And blamed me for it) because I'm pretty sure you don't know Jack Schitt either.. 'Cause Everybody knows.. But nobody really knows'