You know, I think when I initially created this blog I subconsciously vowed to never blog on this particular subject. Some things I just didn't want to delve into. Deep down inside I knew I'd be compelled to get it all down on 'paper' but just the thought that it would be all out there deep and raw on the world wide web stopped me. But as I lie in bed and try to fall asleep I can't help but jot these thoughts down; because besides music writing has always helped me stay centered. And most of all... who knows maybe someone else on the other side of the ocean needs to be reading this as much as I need to be writing this at this exact moment...
I've never been a girly girl. I dislike pink. I like playing touch football. I've always hated shopping. I mean I could go on forever. I don't DO honey, baby, touchy feely stuff and feelings have always been something I've had no problem ignoring. Until HIM. Now obviously from my music selection you know I'm referring to an ex. You know that saying "some people bring out the worst in us"? It is SO true. Luckily it works in the positive way as well: Some people bring out the best in us. I've been blessed to have dated someone that brought out the best and the worst in me. To evoke feelings I didn't think I had (ranging from jealousy and anger to love and that touchy feely crap). To be honest: feelings I didn't care to have anyways. Yet they tore down walls and broke through barriers erected with years of control and mistrust.
But after all is said and done I realize this person STILL can bring out the best and worst in me. Unfortunately post break up its usually the worst. Thankfully my worst could be characterized as some people's best. I've heard stories of hacking into emails, breaking into apartments, bottles of bleach thrown into closetst (lol that one still makes me laugh). The most I deal with is the occasional petty argument or fits of rants and raves that my poor siblings, soRHOrs and friends must live thru (sorry guys). I even get all conspiracy theory nutszoid: Is he trying to drive me nuts? Is Mariah Carey in cahoots with him why are they ALWAYS playing "I stay in love" on Music Choice!! I know I know... *shaking my head in exasperation*
And then I remember all of those 'bests' that have come out of all this. I'm stronger (Glory to GOD!!), I'm much more in tune with who I am and want (I've matured SO much), I can breath easy knowing I am capable of being a absolutely fab-tastic girlfriend (hey I really didn't think I had it in me! Now I can't help but think how lucky the next guy I end up with will be. I got quality merchandise here! ha ha). I mean I can honestly say that I've learned so much from the entire experience and so I will never regret it or HIM. 
I think the main thing that gets me thru those bouts of 'worst' is knowing that (1) it happens to the best of us and (2) It doesn't last forever. Not just the bouts of the 'worst' but that feeling of attachment to said X. One day I'm going to stop counting how long its been since we broke up, I won't remember his birthday, and i'll know Valentine's day is more than just the day we met. I won't wonder what his reaction would be if he knew where I was and with whom. And I definitely won't give a rats patootie if he has moved on or not. And THAT day is one that I wait for with bated breath. I know with each additional day that passes I get closer and closer to that day. I realize the day that I wake up and DON'T think: 'Is today the day?' will mean that today ISN'T that day but it isn't to far off.
But... Dag Nabbit I sure do wish that day could hurry up and get here...
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