I don't know when it started but I felt inclined to rejoin the ranks in the body of Christ about a year before I step foot in a church. I had always assumed I'd take the leap at some point since I stopped going when I was about 15 (I had stopped caring long before then and was just attending to appease my Granny). I had friends and sorors who attended regularly but... eh *shrug* it wasn't time.
Then all of a sudden I became very interested in what would become of me after I died. Actually I think I started thinking about that after my brother was murdered. We were the same age except now he was dead and I wasn't. That can be a mind blowing revelation when your young. At an age where mortality was not a concern of my fellow college co-eds. I'd just graduated undergrad and was looking forward to starting graduate school I shouldn't of had a care in the world.
But I did. I wondered if I was going to heaven or hell. I was (am) a good person so I wanted to assume I'd be let in the pearly gates. I wanted to believe that all the good that I had done and would attempt to do would be good enough. But alas I was told repeatedly 'No'. If you do not confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is your savior why should you be able to enter God's kingdom upon your departure of this life? Don't ACT like a Christian BE a Christian!!
Man was I mad. So mad that I said 'who needs God anyways?!' If I could be a good person my entire life and die and not be accepted into his kingdom then it was HIS loss not mine. It baffled my mind that a person could go on a wild killing spree and on their become saved THEY could go to heaven and I couldn't. How unfair is that?!
So I put God in the back of my mind. But if you know God like I know my God he isn't 'put' anywhere. He'd pop up any and everywhere. But he made me stubborn. I refused to bend to someone will beyond my own. So even though I felt him nudging me in my side I continued to swat his ever present arm away. I'd occasionally appease him and have the once in awhile conversation with him. Let him know what I'd been up to. I even have a home girl who would invite me to church every Sunday and every Sunday it would be the same answer 'Next time homie'.
I met Mr. X (and I think God was talking to me through him). Then one day I finally realized HE doesn't need ME. But ohhh how I need him. And not later, not now but right NOW. I got over myself. And got 'into God'. He kept calling me. I ignored it for awhile he didn't give up on me and he kept me on speed dial. And he kept calling back no matter how often I hung up on him like he was a telemarketer ruining my dinner. I finally answered his call and I haven't hung up since (and don't plan to either). The thing about God is not only does he have unlimited minutes in his phone plan he also has a lot of phones. Its no secret what God can do. What he has done for others he can do for you. You can be as stubborn as I was or worse. But please understand me when I say: God loves it when he is called to do the impossible. For that all I can say is 'Glory to God'
Its a mystery how sometimes people become a path for god to speak to you. Many wonder why they can't hear God speak, but they fail to realize that God is speaking to them in many ways other than only through himself. My good friend Richard was just telling of his conversation with God, and he said that if you really want to get some good answers have a conversation on paper, but be warned the responses are intense and life altering so if you're not prepared don't do it.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're talking about when you say that you went through a moment when you didn't think that you needed God,( I go off on my own personal tangent here) {I wouldn't say that I don't need God, farthest from that but I feel that I 've shied away from God and I am ashamed to go back, though I know he's waiting on me with open arms. I would say that I'm a good person but there are things that I've done that are no so good and I know there are consequences to those things. }
I really enjoyed this post, and it is making me sit and think and ponder on so many things, mainly my lost relationship with the God that I want to serve. Soror, you have become that medium to God through which he decided to speak to me.
Thank you!