Our Own Worst Enemy

I was reading something, some day, the other day and came across this great quote: "The hardest arithmetic for us to master is that which enables us to count our blessings" Eric Hoffer. I couldn't help but reflect on the magnitude of the statement. How many times have you cheated yourself out of the blessings God has tried to give to you? Over looked blessing and opportunities because it showed up in work clothes? I've done it a lot of times unfortunately so I can relate.


Within the last year I've been making a conscious effort to accept all that the creator has put before me. The good the bad and even the ugly have been embraced. Sometimes when we are struck by lightening it is a stroke of luck. People cry out for the lord to give them strength, patience, etc. on a daily basis. I think what they fail to understand is that God will give you what you ask for but he'll present it to you in creative ways. You ask God for patience he will present you with a situation that will call for you to sit and WAIT. You ask God to give you strength and he will put you in a situation where you need to be strong. The same goes for anything else you ask for. Because God knows you he knows what he put in you. When he speaks to you he isn't speaking to your circumstance he speaks to your potential. Know that every situation presented to you is a opportunity to be blessed.

Its unfortunate that when things go wrong in our lives we forget that we are blessed. We are blessed EVERYDAY, of EVERY MINUTE, of EVERY HOUR. When we can't stand our boss we are blessed to have a job. When we curse our co-pay while we wait in the doctor's office we are blessed with good health. When we are vex over going over our minutes we are blessed with good friends and family that always want to talk to us. When we are trying to drown out the sound of our mother's nagging we are blessed to have parents who care about us. I mean I could go on and on (no really I could). But the next time you are pooper scooping your dog and it looks like the pooch had a bad Mexican burrito... think about all those long days at work when you come home and they are ALWAYS excited to see you. How often does THAT happen with a significant other, family member or your kid? I mean to them you are the next best thing since sliced bread and when you walk into a room you make them the happiest pooch in the world.

So stop suffering from OneTree-itis(Eve suffered from it. She could have any tree in the Garden of Eden but all she could focus on is the one tree she couldn't eat from). Count your blessings. All that is good and right far outweigh all that isn't. And of course remember that you are blessed to bless others so PASS IT ON...

The Old me

Dogs, Cats, The dark, Truth, Snakes, Love, Death, Life, Failure, Success, Old age, My Mama, Strangers, Friends, Did I mention the dark? These were just a few things that I was afraid of. As mentioned before in some entry on this blog long ago I'm taking a 6month hiatus from dating. (Yea I know I know and yes: I am a little crazy. But that isn't the point of this entry.) This whole hiatus is about me taking care of self. (Yes I know you don't believe me. But once again this is NOT about a man!!) One of the things I'm supposed to do during these 6 months is figure out 3 things about myself that are counterproductive and use a concordance (basically its a verse finder for the bible) to find and memorize scriptures that combat my negative behavior. Now when I got to this particular chapter I was at a loss of what three things to choose. I'm perfect! (LOL Yea right!) Within the span of a day of self reflection and deep conversations with some of the people that know me best I came up with my three. The number one counterproductive thing about me that came up time and time again was: Fear.

I mean it was the first thing out of every one's mouth when I did my little survey. An X, who is a very good friend of mine, even joked that he believes I'm scared of EVERYTHING. (Well blah to him I don't care what he says I'm positive his pet parakeet was out for blood that day I was sitting on the couch but i digress...) I wasn't completely surprised by this response. I know I can be a scardy cat. I guess I didn't realize that it effected the way I lived as much as I came to find out. I knew to a point that I had a problem with fear on some of the bigger stuff(i.e. love, death, failure..the DARK!!). I'd been doing my own work towards fixing things before I even picked up this book (Knight in Shining Armor if I didn't mention it already GREAT READ). I mean my being with Mr. X to the capacity that I was allowed me to debunk a couple fears that related to relationships. Now I am just doing a more intense look at the reasons for being so fearful and debunking all of those fears. I don't want to be this person who lets fear rule their life.

As this song began to play on my MP3 player during my evening commute I took a hard listen to the lyrics and I was blown away. Being that fearful sounded insane to me. I played it about two or three more times (OK seven times!!) and realized this was the old me. That person who was just scared of everything and everyone; even herself. I am very happy to be able to say that today I am over so many of my fears. Within the last year I've taken a long hard look at my life and realized how much I was missing out on because of these silly fears. I've made a conscious effort to override them. I want to get a dog now. I've learned to sleep with the lights and TV off from time to time. I've fallen in love and (also hit the ground with a big ole splat!) welcome the opportunity to do it again. Death doesn't scare me; I look forward to being able to meet the Father. Failure is nothing to be afraid of because every failure brings u closer to success. People not liking me doesn't bug me because I love me and it's really their loss. I was even afraid to let people know just how much I loved the Lord because I didn't want them to look at me as someone else. But you know what. I am someone else. God is Love and I walk in love everyday of my life now.

When I think of that person I used to be I pity her. Sometimes I still cry for her because I think of all the missed opportunities that she cheated herself out of. All the arguments she had over silly things that aren't important. All the judgemental behavior she showed to those closest to her. And the controlling nature (something I'm actively working on daily) that she exhibited. But please don't misunderstand me; some of the tears I cry for that misguided young woman are happy tears. Tears of joy that she is so far gone from the person I am now. She is that much closer to the person she was born to be. The person she knows she can be. Living in the Spiritual and not the physical. Instead of living in fear she chose to live fearlessly. After all: "As life ripens and seasons us, failure and pain are inevitable-defeat is optional. A fearless woman gains wisdom from failure, as well as courage, knowledge, fortitude, and a little attitude." Emery Burton

Ms. Sullivan is right: we aren't human without fear. But fortunately for me I am not 'only human'. I'm a child of God. I know the only thing I need to fear is God.... OK maybe big dogs and the dark still kind of scares me a bit.... But like my Pastor always says: "Change is not an event; its a process".

Bourgeosie On a Budget

I'm a lover of all things Fab-tastic (yes.. that is a made up word but u get the gist)!! And when I first created this blog I knew off the bat that I wanted to pay homage to all fab-tastic blogs that I come across. So from this month forth (I SO was slow on the upkeep in Jan.) there will be a Blog of the month. Whether its about politics, fashion, men, or woman it'll be here. I like em and I hope you will too...

This month's Blog of the month is (drum roll please!) Bourge(oisie) on a Budget. Now there are SO many reasons why I love this blog. As previously stated I don't 'do' shopping. Seriously; I go to the mall with friends and end up sitting outside with all the miserable husbands and boyfriends who wish their significant others will get out of the fitting wrong and go HOME!! Its horrible to watch. I sit and I pace and I whine. The ironic part about all of this is pretty much every guy I've dated has been into shopping (not hetero like.. more like metro like haha) and so I've been dragged to the mall by a significant other a time or two. The whining usually gets me out of it. But I digress this isn't about me its about Bourge!

Why I love this blog:

(1) Its on a Budget!! I love all things free and have a strong like for things that are a bargain price. My sisters call me cheap but... *shrug*

(2) It has RELEVANT budget items. Like the blog called "Late Discoveries" that revealed Reed Diffusers for me. I had got some as a gift and I had NO IDEA what they were or how to use them. I love burners and couldn't figure out where I was supposed to light the reed!

(3) It stresses the importance of financial planning. I was all for spending as little as possible when possible but I was HORRIBLE at saving. After going through this blog and hearing about the author (Who is equally fab-tastic might I add) doing a little financial planning I decided to get into the movement as well. I've started saving for short and long term things that I didn't think were important!!

(4) Its socially conscience!! The blog called "Supermarket Shuffle" highlights the lack of healthy foods in supermarkets in lower income areas. Areas where the residents are more likely to suffer from diabetes, high pressure, heart disease, etc. How can they be expected to make healthy food choices when the neighborhood (and possibly only accessible supermarket) serves high cholesterol, high fructose corn syrup, high calorie, and high PRICE items?

(5) It makes fashion interesting for even the likes of ME!

Some reasons why you may not agree with my Blog choice for Blog of the month:

(1) When she blogs its always great.. But she is so fab-tastic that she is busy and doesn't update enough!! SHOLLY!!! Don't do us this way!

(2) She's my sorors so you may think I'm biased... hahaha Hey think what you want but the blog is fab!

Now be a good reader and check out the blog. Even if you don't agree with me on all of this I'm sure you'll find something useful on her blog to dig into. www.bourgeoisieonabudget.blogspot.com

If you know of a blog that is fab-tastic please let me know. I'll check it out and who knows it could be next month's Blog of the Month

Answer the call...

Now as stated before in a previous entry I became saved in the fall of 2007(Woohoo!!). Now I didn't go in too deep the reasons why I decided to take my life in that direction. Yes Mr. X (previously referred to as HIM in 'Consider this a favor...') was 'into God' and that played a part but I definitely felt the pull to renew my relationship with JC before I even knew who Mr. X was.

I don't know when it started but I felt inclined to rejoin the ranks in the body of Christ about a year before I step foot in a church. I had always assumed I'd take the leap at some point since I stopped going when I was about 15 (I had stopped caring long before then and was just attending to appease my Granny). I had friends and sorors who attended regularly but... eh *shrug* it wasn't time.


Then all of a sudden I became very interested in what would become of me after I died. Actually I think I started thinking about that after my brother was murdered. We were the same age except now he was dead and I wasn't. That can be a mind blowing revelation when your young. At an age where mortality was not a concern of my fellow college co-eds. I'd just graduated undergrad and was looking forward to starting graduate school I shouldn't of had a care in the world.




But I did. I wondered if I was going to heaven or hell. I was (am) a good person so I wanted to assume I'd be let in the pearly gates. I wanted to believe that all the good that I had done and would attempt to do would be good enough. But alas I was told repeatedly 'No'. If you do not confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus Christ is your savior why should you be able to enter God's kingdom upon your departure of this life? Don't ACT like a Christian BE a Christian!!

Man was I mad. So mad that I said 'who needs God anyways?!' If I could be a good person my entire life and die and not be accepted into his kingdom then it was HIS loss not mine. It baffled my mind that a person could go on a wild killing spree and on their become saved THEY could go to heaven and I couldn't. How unfair is that?!




So I put God in the back of my mind. But if you know God like I know my God he isn't 'put' anywhere. He'd pop up any and everywhere. But he made me stubborn. I refused to bend to someone will beyond my own. So even though I felt him nudging me in my side I continued to swat his ever present arm away. I'd occasionally appease him and have the once in awhile conversation with him. Let him know what I'd been up to. I even have a home girl who would invite me to church every Sunday and every Sunday it would be the same answer 'Next time homie'.

I met Mr. X (and I think God was talking to me through him). Then one day I finally realized HE doesn't need ME. But ohhh how I need him. And not later, not now but right NOW. I got over myself. And got 'into God'. He kept calling me. I ignored it for awhile he didn't give up on me and he kept me on speed dial. And he kept calling back no matter how often I hung up on him like he was a telemarketer ruining my dinner. I finally answered his call and I haven't hung up since (and don't plan to either). The thing about God is not only does he have unlimited minutes in his phone plan he also has a lot of phones. Its no secret what God can do. What he has done for others he can do for you. You can be as stubborn as I was or worse. But please understand me when I say: God loves it when he is called to do the impossible. For that all I can say is 'Glory to God'

H.ear A.bout T.his E.ffect...?

So as I'm searching the web for something to do during my (VERY) late lunch break I decide to read up on CNN.com. Something I usually leave for the weekend. I check out the news in the morning as i quickly get ready for work and at night as I get ready for bed. I reserve my CNN browsing for the bus ride to and fro my 2nd job on Saturdays and church on Sundays. Its amazing that since I've given up networking sites and messengers that I can't find a thing to do on my lunch break but I digress...

As I browsed thru CNN.com this afternoon a article title caught my eye: Growing Hate groups blame Obama, Economy (http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/26/hate.groups.report/index.html?iref=mpstoryview). Now I finished reading the article that I was presently browsing but immediately clicked the link when I finished up with the Beverly Hillers who are now Hillbillies. I was barely halfway thru the article before I was absolutely certain I'd be blogging about it. And though you may not have realized it (yet) I love to give my opinion... even if it wasn't asked tehe. But I digress onward to this little thing I like to call....

Its such an ugly word, isn't it? Well its ugly inside and out. As an African American female it isn't something I'm not familiar with. Whether it emanates from someone of a different race, class, gender, or worst yet from someone who looks and is just like me it is ugly. The offense can be big or small any form that it comes in I can't stand. Its wrong and there is no excuse for it... Which is why this particular article left me a bit peeved.

According to the hate groups of America they are becoming ever popular now because of our new Prez and the downturn of the economy. Which I will say isn't so far-fetched. Some people are downright LIVID that the new face of America is that of one similar to those who have been oppressed by this country for years. The Southern Poverty Law center released a report today showing an increase in the number of hate groups in America citing the recent inauguration and the downward spiral of our economy as one of the main reasons for the rise. One website interviewed by CNN reported an increase of 20,000 new members the day after the election up from 80 new members a day. And with the growing number of attacks on Hispanics in the Tri-state area alone there is significant rage against the immigrant community.

"We fear these conditions will favor the growth of these groups in the future," said Mark Potok, director of the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Project. "In the long arch of history, we are definitely moving forward, but these kinds of events can produce backlashes." (Thanks CNN.com for that snippet!!) Don Black (former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard and current owner of a popular White Nationalist website) claims those who were complacent and just a little perturbed are motivated now to do something since the election.

Ummmm huh? I'm sorry did we offend you when we demonstrated that we would no longer hold ourselves back in order to feed your misguided idea of superiority? I find that a little hard to take. Honestly I think some people who were undercover bigots, Neo-Nazis, Klan's men, and skinheads have just decided to be a bit more open about their dislike of minorities. People didn't just become this way because Barack showed up and some fat cats on Wall Street got a little too greedy. Oh no, they were probably always that way and this was the straw that broke the camels back. Now they are more motivated to cut the sheet and throw it over their head instead of silently agreeing with that openly racist co-worker.

Well unfortunately for these individuals whether they are new-haters or just those who have become more open about their hate.. we aren't going anywhere. We as a people (and not just African-Americans: ALL minorities) are becoming bigger and brighter and we are not satisfied with hanging on the sidelines any longer. WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant for those of you a lil slow on the upkeep) is not in season. If that angers you *shrug*. Makes you want cut breathing holes into your sheets *shrug*. Spurs you on to light a couple crosses on fire and leave a couple nooses hanging *shrug*. A new America is emerging. Those photos of Uncle Sam may still LOOK like you but trust me he has a NEW attitude. I say if you want to come out in droves.. BRING IT ON SUCKAS!!

YES I CAN!!

Ooof!! I woke up with a start... My older sister was sprawled on top of me after her swan dive onto my bunk(yea I slept on a bunk bed till I was 24 whenever I was home). I shouldn't of been so surprised. As long as I could remember EVERY Christmas morning my then 15 year old sister would wake my younger siblings and I up at the crack of dawn to open presents and eat pepper pot before my mom left to start her shift at 7am (My mom always worked xmas to have her bday off for New Years).


Being the loyal night owl that I am I would grumble for a total of 2mins before I realized it was Christmas (My favorite holiday with the exception of my birth date). I jumped out the bed and made a beeline for the living room ready to do my own swan dive under the tree only to notice these huge boxes blocking me. After annihilating the wrapping paper I realized it was a computer. But rather than get all excited with the computer I let my imagination run wild with those boxes while someone plugged in the ugly gadget... Oooo but when that welcome sign popped on the screen... It was love at first type.

The year was 1995. I was only 12 years old; a mere child. Once I got tired of that cat and mouse game and solitaire a month later I was over it... Until... This floppy disk came in the mail. I proceeded to pop it in set it up and after I first heard that signature: 'Welcome! You've got Mail' I was hooked.


14 years later and I'm still hooked to the contraption. I've never gone more than 2-3 days without checking my email. I've been spotted on numerous networking sites (PRE-facebook/myspace era). I've even got a Internet best friend (Shout out to Kentucky)And after that unfortunate incident in 1997 when one of my 'brothers' got our AOL canceled after cursing some random person out I still wonder about those friends I had online whose screen names I lost. I'm an admitted msngr and networking site junky.

Which makes the next 40 days and 40 nights THAT much more intense. For those of you who don't know today is Ash Wednesday; the beginning of Lent. Throughout the years I've given up so many things that I've been un mercilessly tied to (i. e. Chinese food, ice, soda, fast food, meat, etc.). I've always said that I will NEVER give up the chatting. It can't be done. I've never been strong enough but on this day February 25Th 2009 I think I can do it.

Now many of you may say "Chatting? Really? Ohhh your God is going to jump for joy at THAT religious sacrifice *insert sarcastic smirk here*". But blessed am I to not suffer from an addiction that could be far worse (i.e. sex, money, drugs). And I remind you naysayers that the bible reminds us not to look down on anyone else's temptations. We are all tempted by different things: This is mine.

My hope is that by Good Friday (the day AFTER my birthday!! I can't even change my status on facebook!) I will be able to indulge in these networking sites and msngrs in moderation. Those who know me best don't think I can pull it off. Well could someone let them know I've gone almost 24hrs thus far without checking my blackberry msngs, signin IN or ON! I'd do it myself but after about 7mins careful consideration I decided not to do so by updating my facebook status *insert self-satisfied smirk here*

Lost In Translation...?

I hate general education requirements. I do.. I really do. A bunch of classes that you HAVE to take.. and you also HAVE to pay for. It would be one thing if upon enrollment to University they gave you this list of classes you must take and offered to pay for them as well but its quite another when your expected to foot the bill. I mean really? I have to pay for the class... AND the books too. Its a bit much. So its unnecessary but I'll say it: I put off my GenEds until the last possible moment. So much so that by the time my senior year was coming up I had about 3-4 classes that I hadn't fulfilled (Oops?)

I had to think fast. I was not going to fill up my courses my senior year. To make matters worse one of the courses I needed to do was Foreign Language. Not only did I have to do a semester it was an entire year of classes FOUR days a week. Ummmm Excuse me???

So of course.. I did what any self respecting College Student would do. I quickly got close to an Administrator who could give me a shortcut (Ewww get your minds out of the gutter!). So one week later I had concocted the perfect scheme. I got 3 GenEds thrown into my complete file by deciding to jump on a plane and head out to Europe. I mean seriously isn't it better to learn while DOING? I was just being a responsible student. How best to get that writing, foreign language, and European history credit knocked out than by hanging out in a cafe in Florence with a cute Italian that refers to me as Bella?? And oooooo how the Italians loved me... They appreciate these curves!!

*wraps up my Italian version of 'doing the butt'* Yea so what I loved most about Italy beyond the food and the people was..THE MUSIC. I mean Grande Baboomba I have NO idea what he is saying beyond talking about how fly shorty is but it would come on in the club 'Central Park' and I would be screaming 'Arriba!! Arriba!! Arriba!!' at the top of my lungs. I got off the plane at JFK with so many CDs its insane. I wish I could litter this blog with all of my favorite songs but that's a bit OD.. So I leave you with 'Sere Nere' by Tiziano Ferro (My FAVORITE Italian artist hands down).

The song is about the sadness he feels after a break up. How intensely he feels the absence of his sweetie. Its a great song and after playing the CD continuously I had all my siblings singing along in the house that summer of 2004. In English the name means: Black Nights The chorus goes a little something like *clears throat*:

Di sere nere (about the black nights)

Che non c'è tempo (cause there's not much time)

Non c'è spazio (there's not much space)

E mai nessuno capirà (and nobody will ever understand)

Puoi rimanere (you may stay)

Perché fa male male (cause it hurts)

Male da morire (hurts really badly)

Senza te (being without you)

Song is so bad @$$... I'd have my headphones on hanging out at the Brooklyn Promenade pretending I'm looking out over the Arno river in Florence singing the song all loud in fluent Italian. Yea.. it was a strange sight I'm sure. But... Music transcends language

And you say Racism is dead?

Ok so for those of you that read this blog and have the pleasure of knowning me personally you guys KNOW I can get DEEP into the issues sometimes. When I feel that someone has been wronged or God forbid someone has wronged me I will go hard. Sometimes I can get a lilttle carried away even if I find out that i'm wrong (My mom calls me "Wrong and Strong" thinks I should of been a lawyer) but sometimes I seriously can't help myself. I don't know why the thought to create entries under this label didn't occur to me when I first created the blog but better late than never. I give you: My 22 Cents... Sometimes I may be speaking right to you other times you may want to slap me across the back of my head but you can always respect my opinion because regardless if you comment or not I will respect yours. I'll just know I'm right and your wrong haha!



Now I got to work this morning and logged into Stalker's Paradise (facebook.com) only to see a friend of mine had this link http://community.essence.com/profiles/blogs/troubling-cartoon-new-york in his status. Upon pressing said link I experienced the following emotions: shock, anger, hurt, and anger once again. Honestly I'm not surprised the NYPost has always been questionable 'newspaper'. (And who is surprised that the NY Post is owned by News Corporation who also owns Fox News, Fox Television Network, TV Guide and other media outlets?? NOT ME!!)I don't buy it and I don't read it even if someone gives it to me for free. I wouldn't even use it to wipe my bum!! But today this particular drawing worked my nerve even more than their usual antics. Why you ask? Because I hate having to tell clueless people that shiznit like this still goes on in 2009!!

I have this thing that I do when I meet a guy. I usually give them a name and he is referred to by said name when I speak to different friends about him. You've got "Mr. Text" "Mr. Enigma/Mr. Hollywood" "Precious Memories" and "Non-Selassie I" to name a few. But one guy in particular had a long name but I will forever refer to him as such because he boggled my mind so: "The boy who didn't think racism exist". African American male, mid twenties, college educated, and of West Indian Descent no less. And he was certain racism was something of the past. Now to be quite honest after finding this out through a conversation with him he was automatically dropped from my mental dating list. For the life of me I couldn't understand how he could come to such a conclusion.

But I have met others like him since meeting him a few years back who share the same views. They truly do NOT believe racism exist. Even with cartoons like this coming out every other minute and the comments made by some Americans during the election. They truly DO NOT believe we live in a society where racism is present. Which I for some reason cannot understand. With all the overt and undercover happenings in today's society... *Shaking my head* How can they NOT see what is right in front of their faces?!

I feel as a country we have made great strides in the last few years to break down barriers so that we and our future generations can live in a country that TRULY believes: All men are created equal. I mean yes we DO have a black president. But the race was close for awhile. I mean honestly. If the tables had been turned and Barack had McCain's credentials (or lack their of) would he of even made it to the primaries? Well I for one doubt it. YES I do believe that we as African Americans have to work TWICE as hard to get what others can have handed to them. YES I do racism exist. And also.. I do believe that YES WE CAN get rid of it. But sorry folks TODAY is not that day.

To write a letter to the NYPost letting them know how you feel about this cartoon please send a letter to letters@NYPost.com or go to http://www.nypost.com/postopinion/letters/letters_editor.htm

Consider this a favor...

You know, I think when I initially created this blog I subconsciously vowed to never blog on this particular subject. Some things I just didn't want to delve into. Deep down inside I knew I'd be compelled to get it all down on 'paper' but just the thought that it would be all out there deep and raw on the world wide web stopped me. But as I lie in bed and try to fall asleep I can't help but jot these thoughts down; because besides music writing has always helped me stay centered. And most of all... who knows maybe someone else on the other side of the ocean needs to be reading this as much as I need to be writing this at this exact moment...

I've never been a girly girl. I dislike pink. I like playing touch football. I've always hated shopping. I mean I could go on forever. I don't DO honey, baby, touchy feely stuff and feelings have always been something I've had no problem ignoring. Until HIM. Now obviously from my music selection you know I'm referring to an ex. You know that saying "some people bring out the worst in us"? It is SO true. Luckily it works in the positive way as well: Some people bring out the best in us. I've been blessed to have dated someone that brought out the best and the worst in me. To evoke feelings I didn't think I had (ranging from jealousy and anger to love and that touchy feely crap). To be honest: feelings I didn't care to have anyways. Yet they tore down walls and broke through barriers erected with years of control and mistrust.

But after all is said and done I realize this person STILL can bring out the best and worst in me. Unfortunately post break up its usually the worst. Thankfully my worst could be characterized as some people's best. I've heard stories of hacking into emails, breaking into apartments, bottles of bleach thrown into closetst (lol that one still makes me laugh). The most I deal with is the occasional petty argument or fits of rants and raves that my poor siblings, soRHOrs and friends must live thru (sorry guys). I even get all conspiracy theory nutszoid: Is he trying to drive me nuts? Is Mariah Carey in cahoots with him why are they ALWAYS playing "I stay in love" on Music Choice!! I know I know... *shaking my head in exasperation*

And then I remember all of those 'bests' that have come out of all this. I'm stronger (Glory to GOD!!), I'm much more in tune with who I am and want (I've matured SO much), I can breath easy knowing I am capable of being a absolutely fab-tastic girlfriend (hey I really didn't think I had it in me! Now I can't help but think how lucky the next guy I end up with will be. I got quality merchandise here! ha ha). I mean I can honestly say that I've learned so much from the entire experience and so I will never regret it or HIM.

I think the main thing that gets me thru those bouts of 'worst' is knowing that (1) it happens to the best of us and (2) It doesn't last forever. Not just the bouts of the 'worst' but that feeling of attachment to said X. One day I'm going to stop counting how long its been since we broke up, I won't remember his birthday, and i'll know Valentine's day is more than just the day we met. I won't wonder what his reaction would be if he knew where I was and with whom. And I definitely won't give a rats patootie if he has moved on or not. And THAT day is one that I wait for with bated breath. I know with each additional day that passes I get closer and closer to that day. I realize the day that I wake up and DON'T think: 'Is today the day?' will mean that today ISN'T that day but it isn't to far off.

But... Dag Nabbit I sure do wish that day could hurry up and get here...

Step yo game up...

Ok soooooo I am really feeling this whole not dating thing right now. I feel like I'm recognizing bull crap a lot faster. Like my bull crap radar has sharpened somehow. You know how people who are blind have keen hearing? Its like that ha ha! No but honestly I've noticed a pattern in the kinds of guys I attract and even the kind of guys I'm attracted too. I call em 'crap-like' They aren't crappy guys but they certainly have crappy tendencies; which in turn makes them crap-like.

I'll admit it I chose those crap-like guys despite clear warning signs of their crappy behavior. But I'm not entirely to blame. This was years of brainwashing at work that I am trying to undue in six months time. Its like that scene in the movie 'He's Just Not That Into You' where the little girl gets treated like crap and her mom tells her "Ohhh no he likes you that's why he is being mean to you" (paraphrased don't quote me or try to sue you'll get NOTHING). I've heard that a couple times from various friends and family members. And though they all meant well: They planted a bad seed.

I am not going to pretend as though I had no control myself but hey bad habits are hard to break! But no I am not going to discuss my attraction to crap-like guys now (we've got plenty of time for that). What I've noticed recently is one particular warning signal I was missing before I took time out to focus on me. Like previously stated I haven't had any issues meeting guys but outside of not being able to hold my interest they do something else that annoys me. They are so LAZY!!

I can get a bit lazy from time to time. As we speak I have yet to return a call to someone who called and left a message on my cell phone about two weeks ago (Eh what can I say I'm just not that into him). But I find it mind boggling the way some guys will take the leap and go on about how much they are into me and then: nothing. I mean the inspiration for this blog spoke to me for a solid hour about how disappointed he was that he couldn't go out with me till July; amogst other things. Only to say to me: "Make sure you call me when July comes". Ummm... YOU want to date ME right? Why am I supposed to call you? CRAP. Or maybe dude who wanted to 'explore possibilities', 'rekindle a old flame' but has yet to make more than one phone call or (when I was dating) attempted to show a girl a good time? CRAP.

Now please don't get me wrong these guys aren't horrible. They are smart and they are definitely interesting enough to hold my interests, good looking, and I enjoy conversing with them. And I am NOT just saying that because there is the serious possibility that they are reading this right now haha! (Sorry guys your fab-tastic really; but your going to have to step your game up if you indeed are serious.) These guys could get my time; IF they were willing to put in work. But they aren't they are lazy. And in the realest way possible they are in fact 'Just not that into me'.

Within the last couple months I've been lucky enough to realize this phenomenon and not just shrug it off as a ambitious man being busy but definitely interested. Well I feel sorry for the next batch of lazy dudes that hand me that "I'm interested" card. You're going to have to put in work. No I can't date for six month but that doesn't mean I've dropped off the face of the earth. I'm going to expect you to actually show that you care. The bare minimum is no longer good enough.

Ok I admit it...

So on this Valentines Day (aka Singles Awareness Day) I chose not to 'get down'. Valentines Day has never been a favorite holiday of mine. No, not because I suffer from chronic singleness ha ha! But it always seemed like a made up holiday. As I've gotten older I took on the tradition of going out with my single friends or my friend's whose significant other maybe in another state or something or other. I used to call it an Anti-Valentine's Day celebration. I started it the year I turned 21 and have been doing it every year. Ive had two boyfriends since but have always celebrated this tradition with friend's instead of celebrating with my boyfriend.(Yea so they said they weren't into Valentine's Day either ) I don't know this year I didn't feel like it. Maybe I've grown up a bit and can see past it just being a made up holiday. Some people really enjoy it and who am I to hate?

So I chose to use this day as a day of reflection. Reflecting on the kind of relationship I'd want to have with a man and reflecting on the love I already receive from God (notice the pictures in each blog reflects the kind of love I have with both). So I wrote a blog on my way to my second job (yea ya girl be GRINDING) and decided to post it once I got home in the evening. But as I was procrastinating before I got on blogger I read this article named"Is this What Romance Looks Like?" (http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=17405323). The article was a series of short stories written by different women who have REAL love. Not the candy, teddy bears, and cheesy vday date love; the kind that only comes around once a year. But REAL love.




The kind of love that stays in bed with you all day and rubs your stomach when you have your eriod P. The kind of love that leaves you little notes just so you know they are thinking about you. The kind of love that still finds you beautiful when you have boogers running down your nose from a bad cold. Or when you've gained 20lbs.. Or you have the runs from eating bad Indian food (Who loves Chicken Tikka Masala? I do!!)... Not the superficial kind that loves you in the sunshine but not in the rain, that doesn't understand why they have to meet your friend's or family.. Or the kind that has the need to be told in five minute intervals that you love them for them to actually believe it.

The REAL stuff. The stuff with substance. The kind of love that comes so close to the kind of unconditional love that God bestows on us everyday. The kind of love I want. Yes I admit it I'll even say it again: The kind of love I want. The kind of love that I crave. The kind of love that I am waiting for. The kind of love that I know I'm capable of, but have yet to meet someone worthy of (Yea I said it.. To my Xs sorry. One of you was close but... no cigar...?). It's a shame that kind of love isn't everywhere.

I have always been a goal-oriented person. I am the kind of person that will crack a joke at the drop of a dime but I take myself so seriously. I want so much for myself and I make it happen regardless of the odds stacked against me. Professionally I have been steadily rising in the ranks of my career. I'm the ultimate Independent Woman. So much so that people in my family couldn't believe when I revealed how much I want a husband and family. I want it ALL. But I refuse to settle. I don't want the superficial love or the I think I love you, or god forbid 'Girl you know I got love for you'. I want the REAL stuff. And I deserve it and not for any other reason beyond the fact that that's what I give. Ain't no half stepping. When I say I love hard it's no joke; I go IN. And I need the same in return. I can't settle, I just can't. It's not in me to settle. I've tried (Ooooo I have tried so hard...) and it doesn't work for me. So I'm prepared to wait.... As long as it takes. Basically what it all comes down to is... I just wanna be loved.

I know that he Loves me...

I received many gifts today. I wasn't surprised though. My significant other is faithful, awesome and he loves me unconditionally. How am I so sure? Oh I KNOW: he makes sure to tell and show me everyday.He gives me flowers every spring, sunrise every morning, the moon and the stars in the sky every night.

He doesn't stop there either! He showers me with blessings. Friends, family and soRHOrs alike who remind me daily how much he loves me by putting them in my life. He reminds me how wonderfully I was made every time I'm complimented (even if it wasn't in good taste). And he gives me challenges and hardship to help build my character because he trust me enough to know I can make it through.

Even when I'm upset, sorrowful, or feeling down he is always there for me. I doubt I'll ever find another man who'll love me so faithfully and unconditionally but that's OK. Because even then I know my significant other will surround me in his love and whoever I'm with will be someone he sent for me on another level.

He 'cheats' on me and I don't mind lol. He loves you just as he loves me. Whether you know or love him he loves you as he loves me. He blesses you whether you choose to acknowledge his power or not. I love the Lord and it's because he loves me. And the most amazing part is that he doesn't wait until February 14th to let me know how he feels. He makes sure I know everyday of my life and when I forget at some point during the day he doesn't mind reminding me. I am truly blessed this Valentines Day and EVERY day.... And you are too.

You love me cause I got my own...??

A couple years ago I vaguely remember having a conversation with a good friend of mine about Fantasia's Baby Mama song. Now I am a fan of Fantasia and of Baby Mamas alike. But I was asking this friend where the Ode to US was.Us being the sisters who weren't baby mamas or video vixens, the ones who were reformed round the way girls, off at college working our behinds off to make something of ourselves? I can't remember much more about the conversation beyond the 'Yea girl we gets no love'. So imagine how tickled I was to have Ne-yo come out with Ms. Independent. And then the soon to follow: She Got Her Own with Mr. Foxx and Fab.
Finally!! Someone was acknowledging all that we've been trying to do. We didn't have to have a baby or shake it fast in front of the camera. And what made it better for me was the fact that a African American man was singing. Not that we need their approval but their support is always nice. Black woman and Black men of my time (in my opinion) have a love/hate relationship. But that's a blog for another time I digress...I was riding my Ms. Independent high for awhile... before the backlash hit.
What Backlash u ask? Well I started listening to lyrics and praise we were getting and a lot of what I heard disturbed me a bit. "I love her cause she got her She don't need mine, So she leave mine alone There ain't nothing that's more sexy Than a girl that want but don't need me" So wait... I'm confused. Is it that we are finally being recognized for making it do what it do OR are they just tired of the Gold diggers sucking them dry?
Then let's not forget backlash #2: Sugar Daddys!! All of a sudden its like "You Ms. Independent right? When you buying me something?" Hey don't get me wrong I don't mind dipping into my own pocket since I completed my 12 step Dinner Whore group. I don't mind buying dinner for myself or my date every so often. Or giving a guy a gift on a day that isn't his B-Day, our anniversary, our Christmas. But when in the song did it say that we became your personal piggy bank? Break glass in case of EMERGENCY or when the new game system comes out.
And the worse backlash of them all: thinking that is ALL that we are. Yes I have two advanced degrees. Yes I hold a managerial position at work. Yes I have my own place and pay my own bills ON TIME. But when did that turn into: I don't want a partner to share my life with and to tell me shut up when I get to high and mighty? Or I don't want children to love and adore and most importantly wash that sink full of dishes after dinner? I think somewhere between Ms. Independent and She Got Her Own someone dropped the ball. I AM Ms. Independent but don't love me because you got burned by a chick who had diamonds in her eyes or you looking to save yourself a couple dollars. And please Please PLEASE remember: I'm not JUST Ms. Independent... I'm EVERY woman.

New Face, Old Conversation

So let me take it from the top. I'm taking a 6month hiatus from dating. Long back story short: I am cleaning house. I've noticed somethings about myself and I feel the need to work on those things... with no distractions. I've spent majority of my young adult life single. But I have always been a serial dater. I won't front... I'm a reformed dinner whore. Hey you paying? I'm eating! (My inner child is a fat kid sue me!) If I didn't have anything better to do I'd go out with a guy regardless if I liked him or not. It was something to do and if I got a meal out of it even better. I actually only hung up my napkin when my older sister finally enlightened me to my dinner whore-ness (Thanks Big Sis!)

But I digress right now all my meals are on ME. Which is cool. I've been blessed with a lucrative career and a aversion for shopping. My wallet is doing just fine and my rent is always paid on time (Glory to God!). But I've noticed since I gave up dating for this hiatus.... The Art of Conversation between Men and Women is DEAD.

Now here me out. For a serial dater I had to find SOMETHING to look forward to during my 6month hiatus. And I thought I was going to get the opportunity to enjoy a genuine conversation with a Man that wasn't someone that I've known for years and isn't family. I was hoping for something refreshing! Something new and exciting! What did I get? Exasperation, Disbelief, and complete Confusion. Nine times out of ten I was asked if some horrible man had turned me off of men and dating and how if given a chance he could change my perspective on men. Ummm... NO. Why is it so hard to believe that I just don't want to date? Why is it so incomprehensible to think that a woman can take a break without it having to do with a man? I think more than anything my hiatus is my very selfish attempt to figure out exactly who I am and how that differs from who I was. Unfortunately I'm not multi-talented enough to do that and date right now as well. Plus I LOVE a challenge. For me giving up is harder than trying (Thanks Kanye!). I HATE to quit. I love to push myself to completion. It is something I am very proud of and if that's wrong.. ehhh something else I can work on.. maybe in month three.

Since I've begun this journey I've probably met over 20-30 guys? (I've never had a problem MEETING guys; it's always finding interest in them past two weeks that I can't seem to grasp the concept of). The problem though is when they get to the whole 'Maybe we can hang out this weekend' that it gets awkward. I go into my whole spiel about 'cleaning house' and offering my friendship for the next couple months. I even let them know how lucky they are. Hey I can be a bit much at times. They at least get to find that out in the next few months. They may not even like me after that time has passed. (I highly doubt that though I'm a pretty cool chick).

My absolute favorite reaction is that of complete understanding followed by the interview like questions: So do you have kids? Do you have a roommate or no? What do you like in a potential mate? Do you have any psycho girlfriend tendencies?.... Wait didn't we just establish the fact that I am NOT applying for the position? Why am I being granted an interview? Why can't we discuss politics, religion, the possibilities of the Knicks making the playoffs (LMAO.... yea OK)? Why must our conversation center around if I am date-able? Is there NOTHING that a Man and a Woman can talk about during those initial conversations?

I for one find this very hard to believe. I have been blessed in my lifetime to meet a quality group of Men that upon meeting them we could talk for hours and hours without feeling like I was being interviewed or being sized up to be barefoot and pregnant (Actual Comments: Dang girl! You got some child bearing hips! ). Knowing that these Men do exist does give me a small ray of hope that the next couple months won't be a complete bust. But if this keeps up... by month three If a gentleman walks up to me and attempts conversation I may have to pretend not to speak any English. No habla ingles. I think if I roll my R's a bit I could pass for Dominican...

It's the God in me

I have peace. I won't lie.. sometimes some people (who shall remain nameless) can steal it from me. But I work hard to get it back. But right now... I have peace. A very good friend of mine could possibly be sick. Like.. terminally (God forbid). But outside of the initial reaction and once in Church... I haven't cried about the situation. And I haven't really given into worry. A mutual friend of hours was speaking to me about the situation and initially I don't think they understood how I could be in a 'ok' state when our friend could possibly be very sick. I couldn't find a answer at first but as I meditated on it later I realized I was taking a page from the Bible... Romans 12:12 to be exact.
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope; patient in affliction; and faithful in prayer. That was it in a nutshell. I couldn't waste time thinking the worst may happen when I could focus on the good that may happen. Some may say that I am in denial But I disagree. When something has the possibility of going wrong in our lives we tend to lean towards the wrong and not the right. Why cant we store most of our energy in hoping that things will work out? Trusting in the Lord? Having faith that regardless of what it may LOOK like KNOWING that he will take care of us regardless of what is going on in our lives? We are ALWAYS blessed even when we don't feel like it.
I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about the possibility that things may go in a negative direction but regardless of the outcome I KNOW that the Lord would give my friend and I strength to get through what may come. If I stay prayerful I know that I can continue to keep my peace. But prayer doesn't work without faith. Faith in God's word and his power. If I don't believe in what I am praying for then how can I, in faith, ask God to grant it for me? This is the true test of our faith in our Lord and Savior. It calls for us to above all Trust in the Lord with all thy heart... and Lean not on our own understanding.

Everybody Knows

Ok so I LOVE music. No.. like I LOVE music. Reggae, RnB, Soca, Alternative, Rock, Country, yo.. I even listen to world music (Shout Out to Tiziano Ferro one of Italy's best). My Creative Zen (shove it you Ipoders) is chock full of music. I sometimes just let it play on random just to laugh at how eclectic my tastes are. Buju Banton be belting out "I'm a livin while I'm livin to di father I will pray only him know how mi get thru everyday" then Faith Hill starts singing "And I can feel you breath Its washing over me And suddenly I'm melting into you" and then Hinder starts screaming: "Honey why you calling me so late?". Its a high for me. I just love it.

You know what I'm loving on right now though? John Legend's album Evolver. See I 'borrowed' it from my sister a couple weeks ago and I am running this CD like crazy. I have not been disappointed yet by Mr. Legend. He is just... there are no words. I love this album just as much as Once Again and Get Lifted. From the up tempo Green Light to the mesmerizing I Love, You Love: I'm sold (and my sister may be out of a CD). But there is one particular track on here that I can't let just play twice (once is not an option for me): 'Everybody Knows' aka Track 4.

I'll be the first to admit post-break up the song REALLY spoke to me on the most obvious level of... "Dang.. I really miss dude. Why are we broken up again?" Then after the second time I play it and I remember the 'Why' I hear something else: "Everybody knows that.. Nobody really knows: How to make it work or... How to ease the hurt, We've heard it all before and... Everybody knows: Just how to make it right... I wish we gave it one more try..... Cause everybody knows.. But nobody really knows." Now Mr. Legend isn't say anything that we don't already know.. Or do we?

How many of us have gone to a friend after an argument with our significant other and got one of these two responses: "Girl I TOLD you he aint NO GOOD. You know what you gotta do right?!"/"My dude I don't even know why you sittin here hung up on shorty... She wasn't that cute. Think about all di chicks you can get NOW!".... or lets give our friends the benefit of the doubt and say we hear something like: "Girl don't even get yourself all worked up. It is probably not as big a deal as your making it out to be. I'm sure he meant.."/ "Dude you got a good chick right there. Whateva she said you did... Just say sorry! It don't even matter... And get flowers! Chicks love that kinda thing" I'm gonna put myself out there and admit I have gotten these responses before from well meaning friends who love me and who only want my happiness.. But they don't know Jack Schitt!!

No one really knows HOW to make a relationship work. Like a fingerprint; no two relationships are the same. Yet everywhere you go there is a fix. Everybody always has advice for you and your relationship and they know exactly what you need to do to get back on the right path.... Or do they? No they don't. As well meaning as the advice is; first and foremost you should pray on it and then you might want to talk to your significant other. The two of you are in the relationship. Not you your significant other and your cousin Jackie/Jason or ya sister's baby's father's play cousin Maria/Mark. No. Just you and your significant other.

Granted some say Love is Blind and you need to have somebody on the outside to 'check' you. But lets be real careful about who we are leaving ourselves accountable too. Your best friend who was cheated on by their last two partners and hasn't gotten over it quiet yet MIGHT not be the ticket. And also please remember that whoever it is hearing your 3AM rant is going to have to play Devil's Advocate because lets face it they don't have an objective view of your significant other. Majority of the what they've probably heard is bad with a splash of good every blue moon. And honestly when its all said and done whether you stay with your significant other or not YOU will deal with the consequences not whoever gave you advice. If you must; be very mindful of who you let into your relationship.. Also be mindful of what advice you give out yourself (I'm still feeling a tad guilty about the advice I gave a friend in 7th grade to break up with her bf.. the idiot did it! And blamed me for it) because I'm pretty sure you don't know Jack Schitt either.. 'Cause Everybody knows.. But nobody really knows'

Realize Your True Authentic Self...

On November 4Th 2007 I became Saved. I hadn't been to church for worship, REALLY prayed, basically done anything above the bare minimum of practicing any religion in so many years. I had been feeling the urge to go back for a couple months and it didn't hurt that my boyfriend at the time was 'into' God. We'd go thru the ritualistic 'How's your day' and I started to look forward to hearing how his Sundays were going. I mean to the point where I wanted to see about creating my own Sundays.

Well i walked into church that Sunday morning (after a all night party... I might still of had cold in my eyes but I digress...) and sat through the whole service and I'm like dang this man been stalking me? How he know my life? I mean I started checking my bag thinking dude had a wire tap or something laced in my wallet. Turning around in my seat trying to see if he had someone following me who was laying low in the back. Yo! I jumped when he said "Turn to your neighbor and tell 'em 'He talking about somebody you know'". I HAD to go up during the alter call. And when I went up there (half dragged by who I now refer to as my Spiritual Counselor) I bawled.. Like a baby. I mean you know its real tears when there is the snot running down your nose and you can't even bother to wipe it you just let it run. I was bawling. Before I completely lost it and reverted back to the kindergarten lick and slurp (You guys remember that move right? When the crying is getting out of control and u just mop it with your bottom lip Its a Kindergarten Classic) somebody handed me a Kleenex I cleaned myself up said Amen and my life was changed.

No I didn't change over night. I was still doing things I probably shouldn't... (I still do now! I tell SC all the time "I'm a New Christian gimmie a minute to get the hang of this I'm a work in progress.") But I was eating up the Word. I'd leave church feeling renewed and enlightened. And I understood that EVERY time I went to Church and I thought Pastor was talking exclusively for me that he was... (and to the person sitting in the seat next to me and behind me.) God is so awesome that way. There could be hundreds of people in the Church. Pastor could use the same words he used in every service that day... and God makes sure YOU got your message.

I think back to when I wasn't saved and I heard that question: What would Jesus do? I laughed so hard. I thought it was such a funny joke. I take that question so seriously now. I ask myself that question about three or four times a day. And I don't mean Jesus the Dominican at my corner store who usually knows which bag of chips I'm craving today. I'm talking Jesus Christ, Jah, Jehovah Jireh, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, My God, Mi dupes: JC!! I get the feeling to let dude on the train know that it isn't OK to sneeze anywhere near my direction in a very LOUD manner... I think: What would Jesus do? And I hand him some hand sanitizer and a Kleenex.

I don't claim to be the most learned Christian. I can't quote every scripture at the drop of a dime. I slip and curse (Father forgive me) when i get upset. And I struggle everyday when someone irritates me to not with a great sense of love lay a hand on them suddenly. But I try to do things God's way always. I leave you with this scripture I had to memorize soon as I got saved: Trust in the Lord with ALL thy heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV) Cause once I started doing that... Trust... My path was crooked but its getting real straight....

Everything I'm NOT made me Everything I AM...

I'm a host of contradictions and imperfections....

I love being right and feel crushed when I'm wrong.....

I am one of the strongest females I know with the most fragile interior......

I LOVE the Lord....

I am Black and so proud....

I think dancing around the living room is the #1 healer....

I am Brooklyn born but Guyanese at heart....

I am the personification of the ugly duckling story.....

I thought I was an idiot until my freshman year of college.....

I'm a Go Getta not a Gold Digga....

I'm glad I grew up poor....

I love hard....

I ALWAYS have a back story....

I am blessed....

I'm an open book written in an ancient language....

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it....

I'm happy in the middle of a crowd or home alone...

But most importantly I am living a life of ascension...Moving in LOVE.. Letting light SHINE... Lifting ALL.. and LAUGHING