Vicarious Living...

I have a thing with patience. I used to not have any. I have some now but its a struggle to learn to wait and be still. Not to push God along. I've noticed in the last few weeks I have been living on the outskirts of other people's lives. My sister had a baby girl 2 weeks ago and I am so excited that her (and ultimately mine) family is growing. But there is a part of me that wonders when I'll be in her place. A part of me that longs to give a murderous glance to my significant other for placing me in this situation and then to smile lovingly at him over the head of our new baby. I don't just want a baby; I want a family. I think in my last relationship I could see myself living that kind of life. I was no longer focused on school and professional development and when I finally focused on my personal life I was surprised at how much I wanted that kind of life.

Then I went on a 'date' with one of my bestie and his girl friend. We always have a great time together and they never make me feel like a 3rd wheel. Just three friends hanging out. Before I went to my 2nd job I randomly showed up at his house for breakfast and then he dropped me back at work. After it was over I went to a sorority committee meeting and him and his girl picked me up to go catch a movie (Star Trek RHO-cks!!). We rounded out the evening by stopping for some food to take back to my house to watch the DVR'd episode for Grey's Anatomy season finale. Great date right? Haha!! But I couldn't help but think how cool it would be to double date with them with My Guy once I got one. Or to have had a one on one date. With Mr. X he really wasn't interested in getting to know my friends and that didn't sit well with me. I think if I were with someone I'd love the opportunity to see what it would be like. To be able to enjoy spending times with someone I'm dating with my friends would be great. Though I officially ended my dating hiatus I haven't gone on a date. Not from lack of being asked; now that I've decided to focus on my needs and not wants I find a lot of dudes don't make the grade.

Honestly, I am happy with my life right now I'm not ready to have a kid or get married yet. Not completely ready to jump into another relationship either. I can't wrap my mind around all of that. But within the next few years I'm hoping to get past that part of my life and embrace that whole starting a family thing. Though I do enjoy my low chuckle when I watch babies spit up on their parents or when my bestie and his girl gets to arguing.... I want it all. The good times and the bad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living on the outskirts of my friend's and family's lives.