Well let me start by saying I am no longer *Under Construction* Yes.... Its official. As of today Saturday May 9Th 2009 I am officially date-able now. I haven't done the full six months. I'm currently breaking my contract at four months 1 week and 5 days. And though I would never categorize myself as a quitter i feel the remaining month and a half is unnecessary.
Well I know your curious to find out why I decided to go ahead and cut the contract short. It was supposed to be a time of self-reflection. A time to figure out who I was and also find out what was important to me. I was able to do that and more. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I am destined to be. But... at some point I also realized that I have a tendency to over do it. I constantly challenge myself and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to say 'I win' rather than to learn from the experience. Which I think is an absolute waste. Once you've gained the lesson you can leave the class and as far as this experience has gone. I've learned my lesson.
Well I know your curious to find out why I decided to go ahead and cut the contract short. It was supposed to be a time of self-reflection. A time to figure out who I was and also find out what was important to me. I was able to do that and more. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I am destined to be. But... at some point I also realized that I have a tendency to over do it. I constantly challenge myself and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to say 'I win' rather than to learn from the experience. Which I think is an absolute waste. Once you've gained the lesson you can leave the class and as far as this experience has gone. I've learned my lesson.
I met someone. Wait! Don't be so quick to throw out all my philosophical mumbo jumbo. I am not with this person nor do I think our friendship will go beyond that at this time. But his mere presence in my life and the impact that it has made allowed me to realize a few changes I've made in my thinking. He was my lesson to learn.
I've known this guy for almost a month now and we hung out once. That alone made me cringe in thinking I broke my NO Dating Policy. I was spending a significant amount of time talking to him and was seriously considering showing up on his doorstep on July 4Th (the date my dating hiatus was supposed to be over). But there were some things about this guy that definitely gave me pause. Things that before I began this journey wouldn't of fazed me a bit; some of which I wouldn't of even noticed prior. Because of some of these issues I made a decision to keep it friendly with this guy. He's the first guy I've had on my brain more than Mr. X in a long time. But after a lot of meditation and prayer I realize that in order for me to embrace him as anything more than a friend (even after July)would be to forfeit all that I had realized about myself in the last few months. And I am not willing to sacrifice that for anyone.
My inability to put what i need over something that I want has ultimately been my relationship downfall. In the end I get what I want but because I am lacking what I need I'm left feeling unhappy and like I settled for some kind of boobie prize. Its a feeling I know all to well. One that I think I just got myself out of. Only time will tell. I am not willing to skimp on needs because of somethings I need. How does this translate to my hiatus? I think this last lap would just be me giving in to that part of me that says 'Special you can't quit that would mean you didn't win!' Well a very good friend pointed out to me in the beginning that "God doesn't care about your 6 month dating hiatus". And they are absolutely right. He doesn't care about my length of time just that I got the lesson. And finally... after 10years of dating fumbles, blunders and four months, 1 week, and 5 days of self-reflection... I finally got it.
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