A Long Walk...

On April 9Th 1983 I was born into the physical and on November 4Th 2007 I was born into the spirit and I really haven't looked back since. I HAVE paused. I think we all do sometimes. You start to acknowledge that there is something bigger than yourself and you become so in awe of it that quite frankly it can scare the bejesus out of you. You don't think you have the strength to be this person where so many others have failed. The pure magnitude of it all brings out that primal fear in the pit of your stomach and rather than fail you balk at the prospect of even trying. So I've paused... I have paused a lot of times since then. When I first began my walk I not only paused I stumbled and I fell. I would walk in Church and ask for forgiveness regularly. I was taking baby steps in my walk with Jesus Christ. As I grew in my walk my steps became less like a baby crawling and more like a toddler struggling to stay up and continue even though I may wobble. Even as my mind whirled and tears flowed down my face constantly the steps have gotten surer as I go forward. And as time progressed worship and praise didn't just become something I did it became WHO I AM!!

I once heard someone say: "When you are saved you find out who you really are". I'm not sure if I wrote that here before or not but I believe it is 100% correct. You find out the good the bad and the ugly and then you struggle to come up from that. Through the entire journey that I've made this walk I have tried to grasp the concept, the depth of the love the Lord has for me. It is beyond our itty bitty human minds (or at least MINE) to grasp that someone can love you so deeply and so completely. There is no one that has loved us so completely. Not even our parents though they sure do come close. It took a awhile and though I don't think I have gotten it completely when I think of just how much he loves me I am just left in awe. I don't even like to say I'm God Fearing; I like to consider myself God Loving; because his love for me is what has strengthened me on this journey.

At this point in my walk I feel so strong. Sometimes I look back at who I used to be and I am just so surprised at how far I've come, from where I have been. Then I think of where I want to be and I wonder if I will get to a point of Spiritual Maturity. And during those times I realize where I am NOW and that I never thought I'd be standing where I am today. I've grown intellectually, physically, spiritually, socially/emotionally. When you grow in your walk with JC you don't just move in the spiritual. It changes everything about you. The way you walk the way you talk, the way you dress. From the little minuscule details of your life like the things you watch on television to the big things like who you spend majority of your time with. I'm much more conscious of my words and actions today than I was a day, a week, a month after I became saved. And that alone can be a struggle because you have to let go of old things in order to grasp the new. When I was young in my walk I'd rebel and do what I knew was wrong and it would grieves me so much that I'd feel the physical manifestation of that grief. I could hear the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear and I knew it was just the stubborn part of me giving into that fear of failure.

Or I'd hear the judgement of those who weren't Christians but who seemed to think they knew all about me and what I stood for. Ran down the list of all the things that they knew I was upon hearing I was saved. Apparently by deciding I want to have a relationship with JC and becoming a Christian I was told that means that I am: judgemental, hateful, prudish, hypocritical, money-grubbing, and a host of other unsavory things. I mean it got to a point where I was starting to wonder who was really judging whom...?

Today my Pastor said this quote and it so spoke to my spirit: "You don't know what you know until you understand it and you can't have wisdom in it until you can apply it". I am now beginning to understand. I know I have a lot of work to do in the applying it department but as my steps become more steady I know that with The Trinity there is nothing that is impossible for me to do. And though some may laugh, scoff, or smirk I've never felt more FREE especially knowing I serve the one true God and His is the ONLY approval I seek.