ThePewView

Hey all you slap happy people!! Its that time again! Blog of the month

This Month's Blog of the Month is a bit different... I actually haven't read this blog....technically. haha :-)

I get a Streaming Faith (www.StreamingFaith.com) Daily Devotional sent to my blackberry email every day. So around 3-5am my phone gets a lil bit of ministry. I love to read it on my way to work before truly start my day. I have been slacking on reading my bible everyday so I love that I still have some connection to the word.

The way it works is every day a different person does an entry and it is sent out to the masses. I have a couple of favorites but one writer in particular that I love is Milan Ford. He has a way of speaking that is just so right on. It is real and it is anointed and I just love it. I was glad to find out that he had a personal blog called ThePewView. Though I haven't had a chance to check the website out extensively I know his work is rich. And i URGE you to go to the site (http://thepewview.com/wordpress/) and take a read. Here is his latest one called Embracing Fear which left me meditating on the concept for a minute!!!

Embracing Fear

Milan Ford
Okay. I think it’s time to finally let this cat out the bag. I realize that for many of you, this doesn’t come as much of a surprise; but I’m going to take a chance and say it anyway for those of you (like me) who are still trying to figure this whole 'Christian life' thing out.

(Here it goes) Sometimes our God…just doesn’t make much sense. Now I realize that may sound a bit strange, but allow me to give you a few examples of what I mean:

In order to receive, He tells us we must (first) learn how to give. (Luke 6:38)In order to lead, He tells us we must (first) learn how to follow. (Mark 1:17)In order be successful in life, we must (first) learn how to fail (John 12:24-25).And in order to be confident, we must (first) learn you to be afraid (Proverbs 14:26)

Be afraid? Seems like strange advice coming from an all-mighty God, doesn’t it? I must admit I thought it was too until I read this passage in its entirety:In the fear of the Lord, there is strong confidence,His children will have a place of refuge.The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life,It turns one away from the snares of death. (Proverbs 14:26-27)

I will never forget something I heard a long-time mentor of mine, Pastor Terrell Murphy, once say when I was still a junior in college: The Kingdom of God…is backwards.

While FEAR is something many of us seek to avoid, I believe now more than ever before that FEAR is something God wants us at times to embrace. Although difficult for us to grasp, the measure of FAITH we have in God can be directly related to the measure of FEAR we have of Him.

For example:
How many job opportunities have you passed up because you were AFRAID of what the employer may have said…rather than being AFRAID of the God who told you to apply?How many unfruitful relationships are you still holding on to because you are AFRAID of being alone…rather than being AFRAID of the God who has better ones in store?

(Haven't hit your row yet?) Well then how many speeding tickets have you received in the past because you were UNAFRAID of the consequences…rather than being AFRAID of the God who could have chosen to take your life in a traffic accident?Believe it or not, FEAR is not something we always have to back away from. Sometimes, FEAR is something we need to lean more into. FEAR is not an enemy to us who believe; but rather it is a tool of faith. A tool of confidence. And as many of us already know, a tool of wisdom. (Proverbs 1:7)

Today, let’s honor God with our lives and the decisions we make. This life is too precious and ripe for a great harvest not to FEAR Him.

Vicarious Living...

I have a thing with patience. I used to not have any. I have some now but its a struggle to learn to wait and be still. Not to push God along. I've noticed in the last few weeks I have been living on the outskirts of other people's lives. My sister had a baby girl 2 weeks ago and I am so excited that her (and ultimately mine) family is growing. But there is a part of me that wonders when I'll be in her place. A part of me that longs to give a murderous glance to my significant other for placing me in this situation and then to smile lovingly at him over the head of our new baby. I don't just want a baby; I want a family. I think in my last relationship I could see myself living that kind of life. I was no longer focused on school and professional development and when I finally focused on my personal life I was surprised at how much I wanted that kind of life.

Then I went on a 'date' with one of my bestie and his girl friend. We always have a great time together and they never make me feel like a 3rd wheel. Just three friends hanging out. Before I went to my 2nd job I randomly showed up at his house for breakfast and then he dropped me back at work. After it was over I went to a sorority committee meeting and him and his girl picked me up to go catch a movie (Star Trek RHO-cks!!). We rounded out the evening by stopping for some food to take back to my house to watch the DVR'd episode for Grey's Anatomy season finale. Great date right? Haha!! But I couldn't help but think how cool it would be to double date with them with My Guy once I got one. Or to have had a one on one date. With Mr. X he really wasn't interested in getting to know my friends and that didn't sit well with me. I think if I were with someone I'd love the opportunity to see what it would be like. To be able to enjoy spending times with someone I'm dating with my friends would be great. Though I officially ended my dating hiatus I haven't gone on a date. Not from lack of being asked; now that I've decided to focus on my needs and not wants I find a lot of dudes don't make the grade.

Honestly, I am happy with my life right now I'm not ready to have a kid or get married yet. Not completely ready to jump into another relationship either. I can't wrap my mind around all of that. But within the next few years I'm hoping to get past that part of my life and embrace that whole starting a family thing. Though I do enjoy my low chuckle when I watch babies spit up on their parents or when my bestie and his girl gets to arguing.... I want it all. The good times and the bad. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living on the outskirts of my friend's and family's lives.

Subway (and Bus) Series- The ONLY one

"I don't care if he was there this afternoon!! He comes home to me err-nite cause I'M his baby you just some two bit ho!e. He don’t care about yo stank @$$. That is MY man he loves me! I don’t want you in my house no more and don't be calling my house phone no more either you tr!ck!! I got caller ID!!"

As homegirl snaps her cell shut with an indignant snap I can't help but think: 'Ahhhhhh the joys of riding Public Transportation'. Even with the upcoming fare hike this Brooklyn Beauty still finds reasons to ride the MTA besides making it to work. Reasons that make her feel a tad better about the $2 she spends for horrible service. Its truly amazing the small joys you get. You can get molested by a homeless person for free when it’s crowded, a concert, a dance recital. Have you ever seen the midget Michael Jackson impersonator who frequents the 34Th and 14Th street stations? Seriously you get a ride, a show and sometimes even a revelation. Today’s revelation: I have no intention of being any body's #1,2,3, etc.

Here me out for a moment. I’m a middle child (I’ve been told this alone can have you pre-approved to be crazy) and a self proclaimed Eccentric Old Lady in training but I cannot understand why anyone would settle for being some one's #2 much less #3. Who wants anybody’s sloppy 2Nd's? Excuse me but I'm selfish when it comes to what 'belongs' to me. And if you’re going to label me your 'Lady', Boo, Girl, Mami, Night Nurse, etc. and your my man then as far as I'm concerned no one else should be able to reap those benefits. Quite frankly, if I'm anywhere near dabbling in your stuff and we are not a couple I don't want another chick doing so as well. I know that is something I cannot control but a girl can dream. But outside of not wanting to find out from Maury who is NOT the father Statistics have shown me enough sh*t is running around in people's pants these days that I've taken a vow of celibacy. But I digress that's an entry for another time.

A good friend of mine who happens to be a single black male disagrees. As far as he is concerned he is able to get the best of both worlds. He gets sex and he can leave the relationship drama for the girl’s man. He has no qualms about being a chick’s #2 or even #3. But when I flip it he made it very clear that it wouldn't sit right with him being #1 for someone who has a #2 and/or 3. It wouldn’t matter if he was out on his own doing dirt. **Flashes of the scene in the Best Man when Morris Chestnuts beats the snot out of Taye Diggs run through my head** It boggles my mind the way some dudes can mess around so much and become so territorial when it’s THEIR woman. Please don’t get me wrong I know a number of females who prefer this lifestyle as well.
I on the other hand can't say I’d be satisfied being #2 or 3. But worst than being someone’s 2 or 3 is that indignant idiot #1. As far as I’m concerned walking around knowing your with someone who has many other someone’s and being ok with it because you have a label/ring is even worse. Walking around with a smug look on your face like a Cheshire cat when you won a boobie prize. I cannot wrap my mind around this phenomenon. Maybe in my younger days.... No not even then.

As I exit the bus shaking my head, squeezing between the homeless woman who smelled as though she hadn’t showered in three weeks and the young professional who had been making googily eyes at me I take in the full scope of my $2 revelation. I can't settle for #3, #2, or even #1. Call me selfish, call me crazy, call me an idealist but the only slot I'm willing to fill is the ONLY 1.

A Long Walk...

On April 9Th 1983 I was born into the physical and on November 4Th 2007 I was born into the spirit and I really haven't looked back since. I HAVE paused. I think we all do sometimes. You start to acknowledge that there is something bigger than yourself and you become so in awe of it that quite frankly it can scare the bejesus out of you. You don't think you have the strength to be this person where so many others have failed. The pure magnitude of it all brings out that primal fear in the pit of your stomach and rather than fail you balk at the prospect of even trying. So I've paused... I have paused a lot of times since then. When I first began my walk I not only paused I stumbled and I fell. I would walk in Church and ask for forgiveness regularly. I was taking baby steps in my walk with Jesus Christ. As I grew in my walk my steps became less like a baby crawling and more like a toddler struggling to stay up and continue even though I may wobble. Even as my mind whirled and tears flowed down my face constantly the steps have gotten surer as I go forward. And as time progressed worship and praise didn't just become something I did it became WHO I AM!!

I once heard someone say: "When you are saved you find out who you really are". I'm not sure if I wrote that here before or not but I believe it is 100% correct. You find out the good the bad and the ugly and then you struggle to come up from that. Through the entire journey that I've made this walk I have tried to grasp the concept, the depth of the love the Lord has for me. It is beyond our itty bitty human minds (or at least MINE) to grasp that someone can love you so deeply and so completely. There is no one that has loved us so completely. Not even our parents though they sure do come close. It took a awhile and though I don't think I have gotten it completely when I think of just how much he loves me I am just left in awe. I don't even like to say I'm God Fearing; I like to consider myself God Loving; because his love for me is what has strengthened me on this journey.

At this point in my walk I feel so strong. Sometimes I look back at who I used to be and I am just so surprised at how far I've come, from where I have been. Then I think of where I want to be and I wonder if I will get to a point of Spiritual Maturity. And during those times I realize where I am NOW and that I never thought I'd be standing where I am today. I've grown intellectually, physically, spiritually, socially/emotionally. When you grow in your walk with JC you don't just move in the spiritual. It changes everything about you. The way you walk the way you talk, the way you dress. From the little minuscule details of your life like the things you watch on television to the big things like who you spend majority of your time with. I'm much more conscious of my words and actions today than I was a day, a week, a month after I became saved. And that alone can be a struggle because you have to let go of old things in order to grasp the new. When I was young in my walk I'd rebel and do what I knew was wrong and it would grieves me so much that I'd feel the physical manifestation of that grief. I could hear the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear and I knew it was just the stubborn part of me giving into that fear of failure.

Or I'd hear the judgement of those who weren't Christians but who seemed to think they knew all about me and what I stood for. Ran down the list of all the things that they knew I was upon hearing I was saved. Apparently by deciding I want to have a relationship with JC and becoming a Christian I was told that means that I am: judgemental, hateful, prudish, hypocritical, money-grubbing, and a host of other unsavory things. I mean it got to a point where I was starting to wonder who was really judging whom...?

Today my Pastor said this quote and it so spoke to my spirit: "You don't know what you know until you understand it and you can't have wisdom in it until you can apply it". I am now beginning to understand. I know I have a lot of work to do in the applying it department but as my steps become more steady I know that with The Trinity there is nothing that is impossible for me to do. And though some may laugh, scoff, or smirk I've never felt more FREE especially knowing I serve the one true God and His is the ONLY approval I seek.

Subway (and Bus) Series- Determine Your Value

***Admin Note: Riding the NYC Transit system gives me such inspiration for this blog. In the next few weeks you'll read a couple MTA inspired musings mixed in with my usual stuff.***

As I sit on the subway this morning wiping the sweat from my brow after my mad dash to the station I give a sigh of relief that I can sit and rest my baby toe. You see it is a 10min walk from my house, but every morning due to my love for my bed I challenge myself to make it there in 7mins (I also like to pretend its part of my daily workout But I digress...). As I lean my head forward (opposed to back in order to avoid the comedic nodding others do that I snicker at every morning) and try to catch a couple Zzzs I'm jolted awake by music being blasted in my ear and an unusual pressure against my hip.

This girl who had to be at most 14/15 was sitting next to me poppin it, droppin it, and tick'n it around the world with her hips while the song Shake your Money Maker was being blasted from her headphones. Now I won't lie: when I'm on the subway listening to soca Machel got but one time to tell me Get Madder Dan Dat before I'm chippin down the cart, flag out and waving stopping only to bubble and wyne on some unsuspecting Business man. But as I sat there and said a prayer that I nor she go deaf from the sheer volume she had it at I couldn't help but shake my head. The media and other image conscious folks had already convinced dis chick that her body and what she could do with it were her Money Maker. When in fact its really her Supplemental Income.

Now I have my moments when I stand in front of my mirror and admire the curve of my backside, the roundness of my hips, the slenderness of my waist, the cheese in my smile... Sorry ya'll I got a lil happy. But that's what I'm saying we all like to admire ourselves from time to time. And I've been told and have accepted the fact that I love when people watch me dance. I'd like to blame it on the performer in me and years of training in dance and such but no: I'm kind of a tease. But ultimately as good of a dancer that I may be; as small as my waist/soft as my skin/enticing as the curve of my leg... I KNOW that these things aren't my Money Maker but in fact my Supplemental Income and EVERY woman young or old should know the difference.

And please people do not misunderstand me. Home girl working in the strip club/Ray-Ray's living room at night and attends medical school in the day is not who I'm advocating for. Know your WORTH! You do not have to shake it like someone is going to put a dollar in your g-string whether in a strip club or regular club. Your Supplemental Income should be used when you want to go out to eat with that cute guy sitting across from you at the club or on the #4 train on the way home from work. Catch his eye, smile and cross your legs at the knee. If your feeling those hunger pains pick up speed you may even want to mouth the word 'Hi'. By no means should you get up and show him your own rendition of the Ciara's new video "Love Sex and Magic". Save that for months after the date. In between courses your Money Maker will clench the deal for you to ensure you will have a chance to show those skills as well.

Your Money Maker is your brain/personality ladies. What you look like is your Supplemental Income. Regardless of what you may look like or how many times you can make your booty clap in one minute this is not your sole source of income. Think of your looks as your resume: it'll get you a cold call maybe even an interview but ultimately your Money Maker will get and and help you to keep the job. Your Money Maker is what really matters because as Forrest Gump put it: Pretty is as Pretty does. Looks fade no matter what cream you vigorously rub into your face every evening and you may not be able to drop it without having someone else pick it back up for you. If as women (and men for that matter!) we spent more time cultivating our Money Maker rather than our Supplemental income we would be much better off. Know your value and your worth people. Check your personal stock and know the difference.

I Get It Now...

I know its been a while since I have written with some consistency. I was looking at the number of entries from previous months and noticed I have dwindled in my writing frenzy. And trust it is not from a lack of topics.. I think I've just been... distracted? But I'm back and ready to jump in the water..... CANNON BALL!!!!

Well let me start by saying I am no longer *Under Construction* Yes.... Its official. As of today Saturday May 9Th 2009 I am officially date-able now. I haven't done the full six months. I'm currently breaking my contract at four months 1 week and 5 days. And though I would never categorize myself as a quitter i feel the remaining month and a half is unnecessary.


Well I know your curious to find out why I decided to go ahead and cut the contract short. It was supposed to be a time of self-reflection. A time to figure out who I was and also find out what was important to me. I was able to do that and more. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I am destined to be. But... at some point I also realized that I have a tendency to over do it. I constantly challenge myself and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to say 'I win' rather than to learn from the experience. Which I think is an absolute waste. Once you've gained the lesson you can leave the class and as far as this experience has gone. I've learned my lesson.

I met someone. Wait! Don't be so quick to throw out all my philosophical mumbo jumbo. I am not with this person nor do I think our friendship will go beyond that at this time. But his mere presence in my life and the impact that it has made allowed me to realize a few changes I've made in my thinking. He was my lesson to learn.

I've known this guy for almost a month now and we hung out once. That alone made me cringe in thinking I broke my NO Dating Policy. I was spending a significant amount of time talking to him and was seriously considering showing up on his doorstep on July 4Th (the date my dating hiatus was supposed to be over). But there were some things about this guy that definitely gave me pause. Things that before I began this journey wouldn't of fazed me a bit; some of which I wouldn't of even noticed prior. Because of some of these issues I made a decision to keep it friendly with this guy. He's the first guy I've had on my brain more than Mr. X in a long time. But after a lot of meditation and prayer I realize that in order for me to embrace him as anything more than a friend (even after July)would be to forfeit all that I had realized about myself in the last few months. And I am not willing to sacrifice that for anyone.

My inability to put what i need over something that I want has ultimately been my relationship downfall. In the end I get what I want but because I am lacking what I need I'm left feeling unhappy and like I settled for some kind of boobie prize. Its a feeling I know all to well. One that I think I just got myself out of. Only time will tell. I am not willing to skimp on needs because of somethings I need. How does this translate to my hiatus? I think this last lap would just be me giving in to that part of me that says 'Special you can't quit that would mean you didn't win!' Well a very good friend pointed out to me in the beginning that "God doesn't care about your 6 month dating hiatus". And they are absolutely right. He doesn't care about my length of time just that I got the lesson. And finally... after 10years of dating fumbles, blunders and four months, 1 week, and 5 days of self-reflection... I finally got it.

Not that its any of my business...

I love hanging out with my friends.. I really do. Every time we are together I learn something new. I get insight on something old. And I always get a good laugh. Recently while hanging out with some very good friends of mine I learned of a situation one of their friends was having. It left me completely puzzled and more than slightly disgusted. So much so that I let my friend know that I would definitely be adding this to the blog to find out what some of you thought about it. Now with all of my entries this is MY OPINION. But as you know 'My 22 Cents' is for issues that I have a opinion on that may be a tad controversial.... So here goes

My friend has a friend who had a.... homosexual "moment". Now I'm not down for labeling anyone or judging anybody but hey it is what it is. I have homosexual friends. I love them but I don't condone their behavior. This particular gentleman doesn't identify as a homosexual. And my friend, who is his friend, has a different opinion.

Basically this guy was hanging out took some X and before he knew it... Someone was... Ummm.. giving him fellatio. This someone happened to be male. Next thing he knows it has gone past this point to sex. *insert blank face here* After this encounter this young man did meet up with this gentleman again in the company of my friend where she witnessed their affectionate PDA. At the end of the night they went home together to ummm... yea. As far as this guy is concerned he isn't homosexual. He had a moment.. or two.. or three? This guy has even been quoted as saying "Whenever I see him..." and for the sake of my readers I'll just say he becomes aroused. *insert an even blanker face here* He says it was just a moment blames it on the X and he has cut off the 'relationship'.

Now.. a year or two ago I think I'd be a little hung up on the discussion of if he is or isn't homosexual or not. These days I could care less. I hear all kinds of stories and the most I can do is give the blank face because I have no words. Actions speak WAY louder and I can't think of a heterosexual man that would find himself getting fellatio from another man and wouldn't have a problem with that. But hey that's just my opinion. It doesn't happen often but I have been wrong before. My question though... If it was a female would we be so quick to through that label on them? I know girls and guys alike that don't think if a girl kissed another female she would be considered homosexual but two dudes who have known each other since kindergarten can't share a bed....?

Thoughts.....?