Raise An Eyebrow

Hellllllooooo My Bloggy little family. I am hear to give you the (start opening music) BLOG OF THE MONTH!!! **does her happy dance**

This month's blog is: (drum roll please) Raise an Eyebrow!! http://raiseaneyebrow.blogspot.com/ Now you all know I am a lover of almost all things musical. And this blog delivers! Music is just so universal and has so much power. I mean it can evoke different emotions and when done right it can inspire some to great heights. I have music for all kinds of situations. I was known during undergrad to blast soca during finals week. I fall asleep to RnB. I wake up to alternative/rock. I ride the subway listening to Gospel more mornings than not. And a little bit of dancehall during my evening commute is a great pick me up. I mean me bustin di dance in di middle of the 4 or 5 train is always a sight to see!!
Why I love this blog:

(1) Music!! Its about my favorite subject. Lots of songs and videos for some of today's best artists. Duh that first paragraph was a dead giveaway.

(2) An abundance of info!! I don't watch much BET/MTV/VH1 so I am able to get the happenings of the music world from his blog. New artist, Album info, Comebacks, even info about where the Artist will be showing up to promote their albums. I mean there is just a PLETHORA (I like the way that word rolls off my tongue plethorrrrraaa) of information on the site for any music lover.

(3) Reliable Source! The author of the blog works for Sony BMG in a pretty bad @$$ position so the info on the blog need not be taken with a grain of salt. She is up on the happenings. She goes through meet and greets with the artists and quite frankly its her profession so she is knee deep in it.

Some reasons why you may not agree with my Blog choice for Blog of the month:

(1) I'm an avid reader.... Can a sistah get some more words please? Ms. Powers is a BIG tease! She will dangle Maxwell's new album under your nose with nary a worry...

(2) She's my sorors so you may think I'm biased... LMAO Two Blog of the Month's in a row I know I know!! But I can't help it if my sorors are just super cool geez.

(3) I think we should start flooding her inbox with pleas for artist interviews. Whose with me?!

I'm sure you'll find something useful on her blog to dig into: http://www.raiseaneyebrow.blogspot.com/

If you know of a blog that is fab-tastic please let me know. I'll check it out and who knows it could be next month's Blog of the Month

Two Sides of The Same Coin

I have control issues. I'm working on them but some days I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle. I ask the Lord to give me strength when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. And if I was completely truthful I ask again about seven times during the day.... My need to control derives from my need to understand things and people and I think we can all agree that some things/people are just not understandable (did that even make sense?). The thing that boggles my mind the most is the fact that the person I try to control the most and least understand is myself.

I am the most cynical optimistic person I know. I even have a friend that calls me Synical Special (a. I know its spelled cynical but come on it aint that serious and b. she uses my real name which also starts with an 'S' so it still works). And then on the other hand people have been calling me Sunshine. I even have the Japanese characters for Sunshine tatt'd on my lower abdomen (Ironically someplace the sun doesn't usually shine.... That Miami heat is something serious you know). As I've gone from 19 to 25 I am referred to as Miz Sunshine. I'm two sides of the same coin and sometimes it drives me nuts...

I can think of countless situations in my life when I pondered over the two very different outcomes. I know that fairy tales don't really exist and I've seen more wicked witches than Glendas (you know... the good witch) but at the same time I yearn for that happily ever after. I can't wrap my mind completely around any situation because the force of both sides is trying to get my attention. Either way I know its God's plan so I know I'd be able to get over whatever the outcome is. It's just the fact that I don't know what IT is.

Lets catch dis scenario: I walk out the house and bump into a guy I used to date way back in.. ehhh lets say college (I was a late bloomer); we exchange numbers and even hang out once or twice. My mind is ALREADY racing. I got two scenarios running through my mind: 1. We go out for a couple months to a few years get married and I get a set of twins and then a set of triplets and I get to start a band Owwwwwww RHO-ck on. I'm a hopeless romantic what can I say. Then there is 2. I hang out with dude a couple more times and then I find out the dimwit is friends with another friend of mine and that he has a girlfriend he has been with for four years. They live together and she is expecting... twins. What a drag.

Lets try another scenario: I walk outside the house and while spotting a cutey that looks kind of like this guy I used to go to college with I get my big toe run over by this car making a turn by the curb. I am chillin in the hospital and two scenarios are running through my mind: 1. My toe will be fine. Honestly it was kind of jacked up already and after a stay in the hospital I'm getting a bit of a face..uhh toe lift. My feet in strappy sandals will never be the same! 2. My toe is gone... GONE! Not only that this doctor is going to tell me I have to get rid of my whole leg because of some complications. What in the world?! I had finally gotten used to these sausage toes and now they AND my shapely legs will be gone. How am I going to get my band this way?! **throws cymbals on to the ground**

Hopeless Romantic.... Synical Special two sides same coin. They both kind of suck from time to time. Luckily for those around me I'm able to find a balance between the two. Or rather luckily for ME. I don't let either one completely take over. You know those ridges in between the two sides of the coin: they keep me sane. Yes I am an Eccentric Old Lady in Training but I like to err on the side of non-medicated crazy. But damn if those two sides don't get on my first, last and all the nerves in between.

Learning to Love Storms...

So I'm sitting on the train waiting for my train to hit Fulton so I can transfer for the last leg of my commute to work. I randomly decided I want some Mary Mary in my ear and as I'm bopping my head to the music and getting my lip sync on this song comes on.

I got really into it and found my fingers itching to write down all the thoughts that were forming in my brain. I know I wrote a entry yesterday and two the night before so I was gonna take a little bloggy break but I couldn't help this one. Sometimes you just have to answer the call.

Storms can be hard to handle in any variation: Snow, Rain, Sand, etc. The hardest in my opinion are those personal life storms. Like the aforementioned storms they can blow and batter you and if unprotected may even have the power to take your life. But unlike those storms personal life storms can last weeks to months, even years. Could you imagine living in a rainstorm for years?! Thundering clapping all around. Lightening striking every few minutes. Rain pouring down constantly, leaving you soaked and your clothes sticky and itchy. I couldn't imagine that but some people live it EVERY day.

But like the food we eat, the air we breathe, and the water we drink: We NEED storms to live. Personal storms are either God sent or God used. Let me explain: God is going to send a storm into your life or he is going to use a storm to enlighten you and help you to grow. Storms help us to strengthen our character and fine tune our faith. God wouldn't give us anymore than we can bare. I know sometimes we just wish he didn't trust us as much as he does but we need to have faith in him. Like the chorus goes: "We all need a little bit need a little bit, need a little bit of dirt to grow. We need a little bit need a little bit, need a little rain to wash our soul". Its exactly what we need; and that's exactly why I've learned to love storms. When you fight hard, pray, and have faith in the Lord you will always come out the Victor and not the Victim.

The best part about Storms is when its over and you feel the warmth of the sunshine on your face. You appreciate it more having experienced your storm. You should never leave a storm bitter. I learned in bible study that the storms we go through are just something that happens to us. Bitterness is something we do to ourselves. Its an internal assassin that kills from the inside out. It blinds you and I to good events and make disappointments huge... Basically whatever the storm you go through if your bitter about it: You didn't learn your whole lesson from it and will probably end up in another or different kind of storm until you do.

I still don't think I'd wish a storm my way but I definitely would understand and appreciate the need for them better than I have before. I am really learning to love storms. And isn't that one of the things love is about anyways? Being able to love despite the hardship you go through because in the end (whatever end that may be) you always come out stronger. I may be wrong but I'm still learning to love storms and you should too....

Craving...

I've hit a wall.. or rather... a wall of bubble wrap. I'm missing stuff. What kind of stuff you ask.... relationship stuff. I truly am and I have no idea what to do about this problem. Its all new to me. Prior to my last relationship I wasn't big on the whole relationship thing. I've been called 'wifey material' a billion and one times in the past but **shrug** I never really cared to do the whole girlfriend thing. I was so into school and me and I don't know what else I just wasn't interested in that kind of 'stuff'. I've always been talking to someone so I was never without someone even when I wasn't the 'girlfriend'. This is the first time I've been like literally Single and there is no 'ready to mingle'. Apparently Mr.X has made me soft. With this whole dating hiatus thing it is becoming increasingly difficult for the serial dater in me to give in to these cravings.

I miss going out with someone who is interested in finding out about me past the friendship faze.

I miss jonesin on the phone till late into the night.

I miss wake up phone calls.

I miss listening to silly voice messages.

I miss kissing.

I miss long hugs.

I miss arguing because I care way to much.

I miss arguing because I don't care at all.

I miss secret smiles and winks.

I miss the nerve racking first phone calls when i refuse to pretend to be someone else and wonder if you won't think I'm not crazy enough to burn my number.

I miss hysterically laughing about a private joke in front of company.

I miss pretending like I don't want them to hold my hand.

I miss so much and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. This is all very new to me and if I didn't put myself on this whole dating ban I'd probably just go on a dating binge. But one of the reasons I decided to do this in the first place is because I don't want to date just to date anymore. Seeing someone for shyts and giggles doesn't appeal to me anymore. Dating for sport is something I have done in excess and I am SO over it now. So really what is a girl to do? I can't date until July and I am craving some serious human contact.... Woe is me. WOE IS ME! Suggestions would definitely be helpful.... And suggesting that I just give up the ban are NOT acceptable. I need to be able to finish this. I loathe quitting...

My Unlikely Anthem

I come from a long line of lushes. You don't know what a lush is? Its a drunkard, an alcoholic, need I really go on? Like I was saying I come from a long line of lushes. I mean these people throw it back from my grandmother to my younger cousins... some of whom haven't hit 21 yet! And whenever I meet a new friend of the family there is always that awkward stare and point thing they do usually accompanied by the: "YOU don't drink?!? Where'd they find you?!" I've gotten used to it. It's never really been my thing. This is usually quite a revelation for anyone who has ever seen me at a party or just when I'm feeling extra hyper.. Its a natural high people. I don't like liquor it taste disgusting to me there hasn't really been anything I've tasted that has made me change my mind. I will forever be known as the chick with the water at the bar (Thank God they come in the pretty glass bottles now!). But with all this being said.. it is quite remarkable that this song is my anthem... What can I say.. it RHO-cks...

**Stops doing her solo rave dance** OMG.. I absolutely love this song. I do I really do. I always have. I even got my younger brother to do a dance I made up to this song. (The basic jest of said dance: We literally knocked each other down and got back up again but it was SO fun!).

I think I love this song so much because:

1. Its my philosophy for my life: "I get knocked down.. But I'll get up again.. Your never gonna keep me down." Its as simple as that. Life is going to throw down some heavy blows on me from time to time in the form of various people and situations BUT it won't be enough to KEEP me down. 2. I like to think positively. I love the part in the song when he sings: "He sings the songs that reminds him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the better time." **does that really slow clap while standing up** I love it. Why bother to sing the songs that remind you of the bad times (beyond recognizing what you were able to gain out of those bad times of course)? Stick to the good and the better! Dwelling on bad times and people is NO BUENO

3. And my favorite... It may be the greatest Karaoke song of all time... The lyrics are so simple how DARE you mess up the word? Its my 4Th favorite. Right after (1) Aerosmith-Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (2) Madonna- Like a Prayer and (3) Luther Vandross- Never Too Much **throws the shades on** I'm the karaoke queen. I should get paid for the shows I put on...

**Dust the dirt off her feathers** Speaking of which you got any karaoke favs? Or should I say any singing in the shower favs?

YES I HAVE!!

So I was heading out of work this evening and I was thinking of giving a ring to a friend I hadn't spoken to in awhile. I decided to give her a ring after I got off the subway. Just as I was basking in the glow of my great decision making I thought "Uhh... Special, how many daytime minutes do you have?" I almost stopped mid strut (cuz I don't walk down the street; if I aint struttin I'm late so is bere speed walking I'm doing But I digress....). I hardly ever check my minutes so I didn't even know. But as Lent has taken over my life I realized I better START checking!!

This is just one example of the many differences in my life the last week and a half that I haven't been on networking sites or on any msngrs. Granted beyond so very minute text convos (that I've been steadily cutting off after the initial question is answered) I've been doing very well with my sacrifice. Fortunately and unfortunately I've had to get used to somethings.

Voice Call Scrutiny: as mentioned before I now make it a habit to check my minutes. Not only that: when I'm on a call I'm in tune with how much time I spend on the call. Or my personal revelation: Is this person really worth ANSWERING the call for? Seriously I have gotten my phone priorities in order.

Battery Power Increase: since I'm not always tip typing away on my berry I have SO much battery power left at the end of the day! Some nights I don't even bother to plug it in. This is funny to me because prior to Ash Wednesday my battery would be dead/dying by 6pm (and that was a good day). I mean my FavX is always complaining about how my phone was always dying. He used to SWEAR it was never charged. Now? No complaints.

Friends/Associates: I realize now who I truly consider my friends. This one I am still trying to come to terms with. #1 reason is a lot of the people I was calling friend was really an associate and vice versa. The people who I've actually made an effort to call and have made an effort to call me have surprised me. I mean honestly I didn't think some of them were as important to me and others I didn't realize how UNimportant they were. They don't have to see my name blinking on myspace or that green circle on fbook/gchat to want to talk. Kudos to u guys!

Productivity: **throws spray bottle in the trash**Boy am I getting things done. At work, at home, etc. And I'm positive you've noticed I've blogged up the wazoo haha. No but seriously I have noticed I've got more time to do much more. And its always nice not to be referred to as a CrackBerryHead these days!

And the best change I've noticed thus far... I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. After that initial week I was good. No more scratching my arms, the shakes were gone, and I didn't hear anymore phantom IM chimes. The little BBMsngr smileys on my phone screen is the only thing that still haunts me because it never goes away and the number of IMs I receive just keep going up (Aren't you people reading my status!?! I'll be back on the 10th of April Geeeez!)

All in all... I'm not in that much of a rush to get back on all of my social networks and msngrs... Then again this could be like when you don't think you have to go to the bathroom until your RIGHT in front of your house and your keys just WON'T come out of your bag/pocket (DAG NABBIT!!) We'll see how those last few days go.... But anywho How's your Lent going?

Tryin to Make a Dolla outta 15 cents

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Sittin on a Fence

Tryna make a dolla

Outta fifteen cents

She twist!
She twist!

She twist like THIS!!

Oooo to be young again! Back when making a dollar out of 15 cents was the least of our worries. Back when we worried about where we would get our next pack of sour powers from not how we would pay our next rent check. Back when knew who all the Smurfs were (Smurfette, Papa Smurf, Lazy Smurf,...) but we didn't know who NASDAQ or Dow Jones were. Back when we could charge kids a snicker bar to get into our backyard (Or was that just me?). Ooooo How I miss those days!! We didn't have bills or rent or other miscellaneous bills to pay but we had us a good old time.

In the last few weeks I've made it a practice to read as many articles as I can during my lunch breaks as I can. I usually find myself on CNN.com at some point and read the numerous stories about all the people being affected by our deflated economy. Something keeps nagging me though. I read so many stories about people who are just going nuts over all the job losses or pay cuts or whatever. And I can definitely empathize as I've also been affected by whats been going on in this country today but... I can't help but think "Well at least now they know what it feels like to have to do without."

I mean honestly I didn't grow up with much. And I still don't live a lifestyle where I can afford to spend hundreds of dollars a day (much less a none rent paying week). So having to buckle down these last few months hasn't crushed me. I hear all these stories of people losing millions and getting depressed or killing themselves and/or their families and I'm thinking OK it's really not that serious. I can understand that they are shocked because they have to live a lifestyle they aren't used to and its hard. It is VERY hard I'll acknowledge that but there is a small part of me that is thinking 'suck it up you STILL have more money than most people.'

I mean come on they went from eating caviar to whiting and they are shedding tears. Some people still eating sardines out the can and in this economy they can't even splurge and get the sardines in the tomato paste. Living off Ramon noodles and bologna sandwiches while others can still afford to keep their in home Chef.

The kicker for me is a lot of these same people would always have something to say about poor people. How lazy they are and how all they do is sit and collect a check. Which in some cases may be true but not in EVERY case. Its hard out there for the have nots. I can speak from experience that you can get up at the crack of dawn and head out to work and get in after the sun goes down and still not have a lot of money by the end of the month. You can eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner so that come first day of school you can have new clothes. Now the lines of at the state agencies that distribute those checks have bankers, lawyers, retail workers, and domestic workers alike. And in between grumbling about losing one of their summer homes they are trading recipes on the many different ways to make hot dogs (throw em in some eggs for breakfast, eat it with a bun for lunch, and for dinner put them together with some beans and eat em with rice **insert thumbs up sign here**)

I don't know. I just really wanted to get that out. It irks me a bit that the formerly wealthy are going on about how devastated they are and how they can't imagine having to live like this for much longer. They better start taking some lessons from their nannies, chefs, dog walkers, etc. on how they've been able to feed their families for so long. One of my own personal tips?: Keep the essentials in your kitchen (bread, rice, canned sardines, veggies) you never know when lobster won't be an option for you anymore.

Verdicts IN!! I smell good..

I did a mini survey this afternoon and the results weren't so surprising: Cool. Crazy. Intriguing. Silly. A Frickin' Character. Sexy. Intelligent. Kind. Confident. Funny. Crazy. Annoying. Exceptional. Spiritual. Crazy. Inspirational. Changing. Loyal. Lovable. Crazy. These are just a few of my characteristics courtesy of some very good friends of mine (Is it just me or do my friend's think I'm a little bit crazy?). I decided to do this survey as I sat in church this afternoon when I was blessed by a great word from my Pastor (as always.. The Man is GOOD).

Pastor said: "Character produces/determines presence" As I sat there and absorbed this statement I wondered what presence I have. Before I could get to deep into my own mind wandering I ingested the rest of Pastor's sermon. It was definitely interesting. In a nutshell: Our character determines the presence we have. (No wait hold on I wasn't going to end it there.) All of the characteristics that make us US, are revealed in the presence we have around people. Have you ever met someone who had an air of arrogance? Or intelligence? They just gave off this vibe or this aura? Sometimes they don't even have to speak you can tell certain things about them just from watching them. Its their presence. And all of the attributes that make them who they are work together to produce that presence.
All of the responses that I got from my friends help make up my presence. When I walk into a room and get amongst people I don't know they can tell certain things about me before I open my mouth. I've been told I strut when I walk a lot. I look like I have someplace to go my head is usually up high and I'm probably smiling. Usually after opening my mouth and speaking to someone I don't know for more than five minutes they can tell I'm a little quirky (you know... what my friends called crazy) and that I enjoy a good joke. Not to long into said conversation they will definitely tell that I love me some God. I don't have to go into a big spiel about how much joy he gives me for them to know. Or I could not say anything at all and they'd know. They can sense it in my spirit. They can just tell. In the way I walk, talk, act, dress, etc.

To quote Pastor: "Everything we do, every choice we make comes out of our character". Our character is basically a group of attributes that determines a person's actions and reactions. You ever hear a story about someone you were familiar with that didn't match up to the person you know? Whatever it was you heard didn't coincide with their character. And our presence is the result of the grouping of all of our characteristics. Some people's presence can be a fragrance while others give off an odor.

Around that time I started sniffing around trying to catch my own scent. This is what actually prompted me to do my mini survey in the first place. I'd like to think that I give off a fragrance. Something sweet, subtle, yet tantalizing to the senses; something that makes you look around the room to zero in on what that wonderful smell is. But sometimes our own image of self isn't actually who we really are since our opinion is biased. Needless to say I was very glad to hear that my fragrance was as tantalizing to the senses as I thought. More than anything i was glad to find out my presence didn't give off an odor (hey you get more than two 'crazy' and your bound to get one 'annoying'). But I for one think the whole crazy thing is what makes me Special :-P

But I digress... Enough about me what about you? What presence are you giving off? **sniff sniff** I mean if you did your own mini survey what would you **sniff sniff** smell like? Is it a good indication of your character? I suggest you all do a little inventory and find out what you smell like; as well as those around you. Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are. If you have a fragrance and you are hanging around those with a really strong odor it will diminish your own scent. Give your nose a rest and trim the fat. Remember...

Feels GOOD to be in love....

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY CHURCH!! **insert deep breath hear** Oh that feels so much better. I was going to start this entry off with some witty background story but I honestly couldn't WAIT to tell you that. I have been holding that sentence in since I got out of service. That's not to say that it isn't something I've said before. I say it at least twice a week but in light of some conversations I've been having lately the chance to SHOUT IT OUT LOUD has consumed me. What better way to shout it out loud than to throw it up on this blog for all the world to see? Well now that I've gotten that out of the way let me tell you what brought it on and get into the why I'm so in love with my church.

With Lent having started last month I've been forced to have more conversations about being a Christian. Having to explain to people why I've given up certain things for Lent, why I'd be a christian in the first place. Or my absolute favorite conversation: Why I bother to go to church. These questions have lengthy answers so hear are the abbreviated versions. To answer the Lent question simply read this: http://speakresponsibly.blogspot.com/2009/02/yes-i-can.html (I mean seriously I explained it already stop being lazy). To answer the Christian question simply: I believe God exists, that the bible is true, and that Jesus Christ REALLY IS the way, the truth and the life.

And lastly why I go to church: Well one of the main components to being a Christian is having a relationship with God and indulging in fellowship with him. But what some people forget is that the other part is to have a relationship and fellowship with other Christians. You cannot grow in isolation. It always amazes me when people think they can be a member of the universal body and NOT participate on the local level. People love to go on about how the church is full of hypocrites. My answer is always: 1. The CHURCH doesn't condone hypocrisy. 2. They are better off than you are, no? They are sin sick and they go to church to get well while you let your sin sores fester. And 3. Honestly why would you let them keep you out of God's house? When you go to church looking for a problem you are going to find one. But when you go to Church looking for God you will find HIM. Then you have the other excuse: "My life is way to busy!" Life does get in the way but lets not forget who gave you life. I mean I could go on and on but I'd rather talk about why I love my own church.

I grew up going to Church regularly for over 16 years. Participated in the youth group, went to Sunday school, and was even in a bunch of different productions there. But I never read the bible, I didn't know any prayers, I mean I was just THERE. I didn't learn anything and I didn't know anything. No, let me not say that. I knew some bible stories and the basics; but that's about it. I was severely ignorant of God, his word, and all of his Glory.

Since I've started going to my church I have just been racking up spiritual knowledge. I don't just sit there; I actually learn and understand all that my Pastor is saying. I have grown spiritually as well as mentally. I understand why I need to read my bible on a daily basis. I understand why I need to worship and praise God. I know the importance of tithing. I mean it amazes me how I could of been so ignorant for so long and then go to this church for a year and a half and learn so much. My Pastor doesn't just preach at you he preaches and he teaches to you. Sometimes I think he is talking directly to me and we are having our own private conversation. And there are classes that are geared towards different members to strengthen their walk in Christianity. You find out the who, what, when, and why of it all. (I'm taking Foundations right now. I wrapped up Spiritual Growth last year) God Forbid I ever show up to Church without my pad and pen. My Blackberry might just get overloaded with all of my notes.

One thing I didn't like about my old church was that it was so dry. When I say dry it was just DRY! I can't even think of another word that better described my Sundays. The word wasn't delivered with any enthusiasm, the songs were sung with the same lack of praise, and I can't remember any message I got there. I dreaded getting up out of my bed to go their on Sundays. Even though I had a ride there and back I just didn't make it on time because I took as long as possible could to get ready. NOW: I get to Church before service even starts! God forbid I miss praise and worship. When I first started going to my new Church I had to take two buses to get there and I'd truck it rain, snow, sleet, whatever. I just love the services. Even on days when I don't feel well or I am exhausted I drag my behind to Church and I'm always glad I did. The Pastor is excited about the message he was called to give. Not only is the choir enthused when they sing so is the congregation. If you've ever seen me in Church on a Sunday I am usually up singing loud and clapping hard!! I can't sit still I just have to get up and praise. Youth Sundays RHO-ck!!

The best part about my church? GOD IS IN THIS HOUSE!! The spirit is so strong there. Honestly before going to my church I had my reservations because it is a very big church. I came from a small Church and I thought it would feel cold. But he is definitely in that house. Some Churches I've been to in the past I could NOT feel God there. I was not moved by the spirit and I definitely did not hear a good word. The first Sunday I spent at my Church I was moved to tears. I felt God around and inside of me. I could hear the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear. It is not something I have ever experienced in my entire life. I had my first God moment. It is something that I have become used to not only IN my church but outside of it as well. I'm more in tune to the Trinity (The Father, The Son, and the Holy Spirit) now.

But please do not confuse anything I am saying: My Church is not perfect. I'm sure there are hypocrites there. But I don't go for them. I go for God (And boy do I get him!). The Church is not about my Pastor its about GOD. He runs that house. My Pastor is not the only person there who is rich with anointing to deliver the word. One monkey don't stop this show.

I don't know how else to explain to you my sincere love for my Church. I mean before I move I'd have to take into consideration the possibility of having to go to another Church which is NO BUENO. It's hard to find a great place of worship. When I put my money in the collection basket each Sunday I feel so proud that I am helping my Church continue to celebrate Christ in culture. I recognize that I am blessed EVERY day (not just Sunday) because of my Church and that is probably the #1 reason I love my Church. And boy does it feel so GOOD to be in love...

My Crush....

I don't think I've had a crush like this in awhile. In fact this is my first grown up crush. I've had two real crushes prior to this (the 15 in junior high school shall be here on out chocked up to the onslaught of puberty) and I truly welcome this one. Both previous crushes ended...shockingly?

My crush in elementary school ended in 2nd grade when dude and his friends thought the game of tag should go into their own un-patented version of Ultimate Fighting Championship. Bump all that madness of if he just liked me. Ummmm NO. I dare someone else I think I like to hit me....The second one in high school also happens to be the longest. 8 yrs!! Started my sophomore year in high school didn't finish up till I was almost finished graduate school. I actually ended up 'dating' this guy. Isn't that like the goal when you have a crush? To actually get to the point of dating the person? Well that ended when I figured out the guy I really liked is the one he kept most hidden. I mean really who wants to be with someone who is constantly pretending to be someone else. NO BUENO **Pours out some red wine for the memories**

**Sips on said wine** I really prefer white but I digress... My latest crush is definitely someone who appeals to the more mature me. The ability to eat paste and not upchuck or rock a fly outfit no longer have the ability to make me swoon. I am pulled in by deeper more meaningful stuff. Like an interest in social justice, ambition, and a smile that shows off great teeth; you know, the stuff that matters. But this guy is different. He just appeals to me in so many different ways. Not only does he look good he is so intelligent. And BOY am I a sucker for a nerd!! The ability to stimulate me mentally is so sexxi to me. I can become bored very quickly when I date so someone who can hold my attention for longer than two weeks doesn't happen very often....


So basically I spotted him across the room of a crowded bar/lounge. I had seen him before but I don't know in my attempt to block out my rowdy drunken friends ( I don't drink I go for the company ha ha) I took a deeper look at said crush. I listened intently to the words he was so eloquently blessing all those lucky enough to hear... and I was hooked. As the minutes, weeks, and months past I found myself going to extreme lengths to be in his presence. To hear everything he had to say: his wants, his needs, his opinions on what others said. Then one night as I sat in my living room replaying another one of his conversation I realized... I had a crush on Anderson Cooper.

**sigh** Now I have been on one or two dates with white guys and none have ever made me want to really cross that line.. But.. Mr. Cooper he's someone I definitely referred to in my pre-saved days as: Someone Who Can Get IT. **fans herself** I mean come on look at that stare... and when he opens his mouth and speaks my ears perk up to catch everything he has to say. His spirit is so adventurous. Did you know that he made a fake press pass back when he was low on the journalism pole to get into Burma (Think Southeast Asia) and met up with other students fighting the government, made some homemade stories and sold them to Channel One? Come ON!! Talk about having a passion. Now I may not be like some women who take their crush on him a big further....
But I will say this if he gay (like some believe), I don't get married and the opportunity arises.. I may be willing to let him father some of my children. That man got some GREAT genes!

The Problem with being the BEST

So I'm sitting on the train headed home and I'm running the next few days in my head. Thinking about all the things I have to do in the next few days. Committee meetings, Work, side hustle, 3 Birthday events, Review classes, Religious classes, Hair appointment, Community service... Etc. God forbid I go back to the yesterdays and think of everything else I've accomplished in the last few days as well but I digress. I started thinking about this blog and realized I hadn't updated it in awhile. I've had plenty of subjects to blog about (My berry is FULL of em trust me) but I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to go IN.



So I whip out the berry and decide to use that lonely train ride to catch up and keep you guys informed and.... I couldn't do it. I started maybe 2 or 3 blogs before I even caught my rhythm on this one. I was just so mentally exhausted I couldn't summon that enthusiasm that made me pick that topic in the first place. All I feel is tired; BONE DEEP TIRED. So I decided to write about that.


You ever feel that tired? When you could just close your eyes and pass out? And it isn't even completely physical. Your tired in every sense of the word: physically, emotionally, mentally even spiritually. Your inner battery is just blown there is no more juice in it. Just thinking about what more you have to do is exhausting to you.



It has been an exhausting week on all axises (let's change week to 4 months). I tend to push myself. I have a good girlfriend of mine who shares my enthusiasm to be the best. Not just the best daughter or sister or friend etc but just simply put: the BEST. Across the board BEST. Always being able to give your best to those around you as well as in everything you do. Unfortunately for me I tend to always have so many things to do and I know WAY to many people!


Its one of the best feelings to always give your personal best....but quite frankly: its exhausting!! Once you've given your best you can't decrease. You have to always be ON. The only time your allowed to really be off is when your alone or with someone who is strong enough to accept you when your not ON (they are few and far between trust me!) So they can help you recharge that battery. I do have some people I can do that around (which I consider a blessing) but when work, sorority, etc. come in its hard not to.




And no please don't confuse me for a 'pleaser'. I am about making those around me happy but their happiness doesn't supersede my own (I figure I have time for that once I start birthing babies). Excelling wherever I am is a personal standard for me. Its just something I've always strive'd for; with the realization that being the BEST in all I do isn't actually attainable. But the way I see it you should reach for the stars because it'll ensure u will at least reach the sky.
(Flash fwd to me getting home showering falling into the bed and sleeping through my alarm)



When I get this tired I always need a few days to recharge. I think the last time I recharged was in August 08. I have to take the time off or I'll implode or something. I take a few days off and I don't answer most calls, don't go to work, meetings, or anyplace else besides my bed and couch. I finally watch all the shows I've DVR'd and the DVDs I've bought. I sleep past 10/11 and I alternate between going to bed early and late. I read a couple books (Bible included). I bake a couple cakes and of course work out a little too. I take really long showers and dance around my living room in a big t-shirt leggings and socks. And since becoming saved I've beefed up my conversations with God during this time. Its my own personal recharging heaven. And when its over I'm ready to go in again. Ready to be the BEST. My mind, body, soul, and spirit have been renewed.




If I could change or rather the only thing I'm changing now is being the BEST to ME and making sure I recognize when this level of tiredness is approaching. So I can do my 'recharge' before I run out my battery. I don't ever want to stop striving to be the BEST: its what keeps me blessed. Its part of my driving force. I'm an ~Aries~ I can't help it. And honestly people deserve my BEST even if they give me their worst (that's an entry for another time). As I get older I'm learning to be the best at being the best.

Love School

I can't remember who I was speaking to (it was probably Kentucky) when this theory first reached me. We were discussing my inability to 'shake' my feelings for Mr. X and how easily I was able to do it with my prior X.


Now if anybody knows Special I am NOT a big fan of losing control. I've stated before that I've had control issues in the past. Having control means that I have structure in my life. I am not vulnerable to anyone or anything when I have control. I wish I had the ability to turn my feelings on and off but God didn't think I needed that so.....



Well during the course of the aforementioned conversation Kentucky decided to enlighten me on why I was able to get over one X faster than the other. Love school is what I'll call it. Puppy Love, Love, REAL Love. You graduate from one before you move on to the other. Some people are lucky(?) enough to go through all stages with one person. While the rest of us are left to go thru a parade of loves until we find the coveted third stage. Love is something so profound that I personally don't think its something we can fully absorb the first go round. So we get a chance to absorb it in stages. Let me explain...


Imagine having to take your Regents (shout out to NYC schools) exam in kindergarten... Not a good time huh? You need to go through elementary, junior high, and then go that final lap in high school before you are deemed knowledgeable enough to even take the Regents exam. I think Love is the same way. You need to go through a series of stages before you can really appreciate and maintain that last stage of love. The stages are Puppy Love(Elementary School), Love (Junior High School), and then REAL Love (High School). Now I am no Love Guru or anything I am only in the Junior High level of my Love learning experience so take anything that I say with a grain of salt.







Elementary School: Puppy Love. Puppy Love is that first stage. We meet someone who we become more than infatuated with and even debate if we may be in (looks around and lowers voice to a whisper) love with them. Its like elementary stage of this whole love game. We learn the basics of love. Realize what that whole electricity and butterflies in the stomach is when its taken to a whole other level. We figure out the good things that can come from love but also the bad. Its like an introductory course. There is NO getting to junior high school (Love) without graduating from this stage. The major disadvantage is that there is a lot of bumbling and fumbling around because we are new to this. The major advantage is that we get a chance to learn so much. Its like an awakening of all that love has to offer; which can never be a bad thing. When this stage is over it can hurt. I'd liken it to getting hit by someone on a bicycle. You get a couple scrapes, some bumps and bruises. but at the end of the day you live. You get up off the ground and dust your self off and move on to the next.





Junior High School: Love. Love is the second stage. We have graduated from Puppy Love and are (supposed to be) able to handle a relationship that is a bit deeper. We can actually finesse our way into this relationship and can actually maintain it as well... to a point. The main reason this is Junior High School and NOT High School is because this stage is flawed. Just like Junior High Schoolers we are stuck in between two very important stages. We think we're grown and we 'Got This'. Unfortunately we don't; we just have the basic tools to obtain a Love relationship. We still can't take a Regents exam we do not yet poses the knowledge to get anything above RCT credit(not passing but better than sucking score ex. 55 when I was in HS). Also depending on who you ask a (dis)advantage to this stage is that you can go through it a billion times. You can fall in love so many times and then turn around and fall right out again. Which brings me to the major disadvantage: its not unconditional; its a baby. It isn't capable of maintaining something solid. It's not strong and when dealt the trials and tribulations that come with a relationship it doesn't bend; it breaks. Unrequited Love is usually in this stage as well. There is usually uneveness in feelings with both parties. Theor may even be Love on both sides but the intensity may not be where it should. But the major advantage to this stage is that you can move on. You may go through Junior High School a couple (billion) times. But your able to break free from the person (i did NOT say it would be easy) emotionally. I'd liken this to getting hit by a car. It hurts way more than getting knocked over by someone on a bicycle but depending on the speed of that car you can spend a couple days/weeks in the hospital and then you can move on. This time it's harder; much harder. You've gotten over the actual car wreckage but you remember the pain of recovery and you question if you even want to go at it again. Which is what usually keeps you in Junior High School to go a 2nd round.. or 3rd.. or.....


High School: REAL Love. REAL Love is the third and final stage. We've managed to graduate from Junior High to get into the thick of things. REAL Love!! We are in the final stages of our Love School experience. Just the opportunity to make it to High School is something to be celebrated. So many people get stuck in the Junior High mentality they never make it it out. They always make it to that last stage and right before its time to enter into High School they get that 'Promotion in Doubt' letter. So just the opportunity to make it to High School is a battle not easily won. REAL Love is the big leagues. You learn the necessary tools that allow you to obtain and then MAINTAIN that relationship. Not many people can do this. I mean to see it in action its... its really beautiful. And its power is awesome as well. You literally can't live without the other person. Ever heard of those couples that day within days of each other or at most about 16 months? REAL Love right there. Advantage... do I really need to say it? It's unconditional, it can whether the storm, it doesn't break it bends. Its unselfish and it is wise enough to know that perfection in a partner is a fairy tale. And unlike Love, REAL Love serves as a union between the two they both REALLY Love each other which is why the bond is so strong and not easily broken (That was a GREAT movie by the way Check it Out!!). Disadvantages? It varies depending on who you ask. Some people have been so scarred by Love that the concept alone of REAL Love makes them uncomfortable. They want no part of it. When you get hit this time... Its like a mack truck. There is NO getting up. You are down for the count. Or is there...? You've heard me say it once then you've heard me say it a million times: God is Love. His version of love would be REAL love and beyond. He got the Ph.D. He can do impossible things. So some people are able to get hit by that mack truck and get back up again. And no that doesn't mean that they didn't have REAL Love that first time; it just means they've been blessed to experience it twice. I honestly don't think it can happen more than twice. And I know several people that I know that don't think it can even happen more than once. But then again.. some argue the existence that it happens even once is questionable.


I'm a huge Will Smith fan. I've loved him since the days of the Fresh Prince (and I'm convinced he is just having a Jada-phase right now But I digress..). He did a movie called Hancock a year ago. In the movie the underlining story (spoiler alert) was that their is a ying yang kind of thing going with Will and Charlize Thereon. Basically they are both superheroes and there were many others like them. They were all paired off. The thing was that they all couldn't be around each other if they wanted to maintain their powers and immortality. If they chose to be together they had to kiss all of that goodbye. They would age and grow old and die just like the rest of us. The others like them chose to live without their powers, the chance to live forever to be with their REAL Love. They graduated from Love school. They passed their Regents exams with flying colors and just like in real school they are now challenged to put all that knowledge to the test after graduation. Now begins the real work...

Blood, Love, & Money

You may have noticed I spend a lot of time listening to music and such. Well in the last few days I have had a hard time deciding what music to listen to as they are all vying for my attention. So to make everybody happy I finally listened to this audio CD i bought a couple months back when I was leaving Bible Study. The audio CD is entitled "Can't we all just get along". Its dealing with my favorite subject: The anomaly of Male/Female Communication. **insert sarcastic smirk here**

Now I don't pretend to know anything about what men are thinking or even what other women are thinking. I barely understand what I'M thinking from time to time. The speaker on the audio CD (Chris Burgess co-author of His Rules GREAT READ) has a way of speaking to you so that even the most complex information can be absorbed easily. And THIS is a complex subject. This particular entry is not focusing on Male/Female communication but how we communicate in any of our relationships. I found the CD to be jam packed full 'o information and when ever I find good info I always know what to do with it... PASS IT ON.



We are shaped through our relationships to others. Relationships consist of three basic origins: Blood, Love, and Money. Blood: family, Love: friends/romantic, Money: co-workers/customers/employers. Relationships won't always be fun. You may start to resent the role that the other person plays in your character development. Through relationships we are held accountable. We're expected to not only KNOW better but to DO better. Blood relationships (are supposed to) give you a safe environment to work out your kinks. Majority of the people I know myself included still have LOTS of kinks to work out. And that's when disappointment sets in.

Disappointment is unmet expectations (which are usually formed and fashioned by others and the media). We all have expectations without discussing it prior to or even when we say we don't we do. I once dated someone who told me he didn't expect anything from me. So whenever I did anything nice or thoughtful he was always surprised. Other things he did brought me to one conclusion: from the beginning he expected the relationship to sink. His 'no expectations' just meant 'lowered expectations'.



I on the other hand hold myself to a high set of standards so in my relationships with others (Blood, Love, or Money) I'm always disappointed when others can't live up to them. "If I can do it I don't understand why they can't its obviously not that hard *insert roll of eyes here*"

I think the only way to have a successful relationship (Blood, Love, or Money) is to follow these three rules (A) Love god- if you love God you won't want to disappoint him. So you wouldn't do anything to/with the person your in a relationship with that would disappoint him. (B) When conflicts arise know the difference between Grace, Mercy, and Truth- Truth is hard on the issue hard on the person. Mercy is hard on the issue soft on the person. Grace is soft on the issue soft on the person. (C) Be humble- make sure the person knows your equally imperfect. The only person that doesn't make mistakes is God. I'm not perfect and neither are you; it would be wise to remember that when dealing with others.

I'm not saying Mr. Burgess is wrong or right. But I know when I heard the last CD it sounded about right to me. I think I may take it into consideration not just in those Love relationships but the Money and Blood too. Think about it. You might want to as well....

Are you KIDDING me....?!?

OK so I'm not married. Never have been; not even a proposal. (Which is OK cause I am soooo not ready for that kind of commitment)But I do have hopes of one day getting a proposal and then becoming married (God willing). So I may not be an expert on the whole 'marriage' thing but from a Christian point of view marriage is forever. You know that whole monologue during the ceremony goes a little something like "Thru richer or poorer, sicker and in health, till death due you part"?





Yea so that's a vow that your supposed to be making to God, and those who are witnessing your ceremony. In this day and age marriage isn't taken as seriously as it should be. Which is unfortunate but... I mean honestly.. this site that I was informed about has gone above and beyond madness.




OK yes this is fabulous marketing because the commercials are hilarious and it got me on the site... but on a more serious note are they freaking kidding me? Its one thing if people are off doing it on their own but I don't know. It doesn't sit well with me to know there is a site designed for people who are looking to cheat on their mates. I am positive at some point before the honeymoon began you saw signs of trouble ahead.






Exhibit A and B











Once you have decided to go through with the wedding and get married you have to 'deal with the consequences'. No marriage is all good or all bad. Its easy to obtain a relationship but people fail to realize how hard it is to maintain one. i mean honestly if you took the time to get to know someone and made a commitment to be with them forever despite their faults then you need to stick to it. I let you know this right now: Any guy who gets it into his head that he wants to marry me better be fully aware that he is getting the whole shabang. The good the bad and the UGLY!! Not only is divorce not an option neither is http://www.ashleymadison.com/ or any other off the wall behavior. We have a problem we are going to have to sit and stew and work it out. Because what it all boils down to is for better or for worse, through richer and through poorer, through sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live... YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME!


Here's one for the road.. these commercials are funny though I'll give them that much...