Goodbye Mr. Maybe....

I told a lie. I didn't know it at the time. I told the lie back in December and only last night realized it wasn't true. I told this guy he was my Favorite Crush. He is actually just my longest crush, not the favorite. My favorite is Mr. Maybe.

I saw him for the first time in the library. I was nearing the end of my freshman year in undergrad and he and I both did work study there. He wasn't gorgeous or tall or anything quite frankly but.... I liked him. Something about him intrigued me. I remember telling my really good friend (Twin) who also worked at the library at the time. She knew him and wanted to introduce me but I was much to shy (YES I am shy around guys I like it is the ONLY time my shyness manifests itself) so I declined. Plus I had a better idea. See Twin was cool with him and had his screen name. We quickly concocted a scheme to get us to be friends on aim and THEN move it from there.

Well of course my plan went off without a hitch and I had him right where I wanted. Essentially I pulled a scheme where I could get him to inquire who I was on aim and then send him a msg asking him who he was. It was genius I won't go into the specific details. So I IMed him and basically asked who he was and why was he looking into my info. He told me he spoke to Twin on this screen name the previous week and was curious who it belonged to. So then I feigned innocence and said 'Ooo you know Twin? We both go to SUNY maybe I know you as well'. He proceeds to give me his name and tells me he is a senior at the university. I pretend I have no idea who he is and he asks for my name and I tell him and he immediately knew who I was (7 pts for me Minus 2pts for jumping up and down afterwards though). We continued to chit chat for awhile and became really good friends.

Nothing happened. He would call me all the time and I'd do the same; we would spend HOURS on the phone. He graduated but was going to grad school in the fall. Summer months went by and it was fall before I knew it and maybe 4-5months had gone by. I'm apparently notorious for not letting a guy know I like them (or so I've been told... Its the shy thing I guess). I decided it was time I let this guy know I was feeling him. So with my pea brain I decided to send him a beat greet (you guys remember those? Ecards with songs playing. Don't think it was © so it got shut DOWN). The song I choose: Mr. Cheeks 'Crush On You' ft. Mario Winans. **insert cringe shudder and slap on the forehead here** We spoke about 2days after and he told me he just started seeing someone. In true Special fashion I said 'oh? OK its cool. Yo! Did u see that episode of...' and changed the subject. Needless to say I was crushed but I had to play it off. Life goes on. Maybe if I hung around awhile they wouldn't work out or something **shrug**

Days and then months go by. We never speak of the dreaded Ecard or of the girl he was seeing but we still talked all the time. I mean we would get on the phone at 8/9PM and stay on there till about 5/6AM. I was still smitten and convinced that he only saw me as a friend. By my 3rd year of undergrad I got a bf. That didn't sit to well with Mr. Maybe. He detested being #3 on my speed dial. He would refer to my bf as #2 and acted jealous the entire time we were together. Which I found hilarious; but I was glad to know he didn't see me as just a friend. Well me and that guy broke up he is FavX and Mr. Maybe never said it but I could tell he was glad. We didn't begin dating though. The little we did speak about our relationships I did know the girl he had begun seeing when I sent the Ecard did become and still was his girlfriend.

Now years have gone by, he graduates from grad school moves back to the city. We still talk just not as often; but still for hours. He sees me through my becoming a member of my organization. When my LS would call her then bf I would call Mr. Maybe for comfort. He saw me through graduation and then my own grad school experience. Through it all I was still holding on to hope that just maybe one day he would tell me they (FINALLY!!) broke up. We always respected his relationship we were just friends but you could always tell there were more feelings on both sides. My college roommate would tease me all the time about Mr. Maybe. My first year of grad school we even had a conversation that went a little something like: 'Special: What is this all about? Why would you play a song like that? Mr. Maybe: What you mean? You know how I feel about you. Special: I do? That's funny you've never told me anything so how would I know. We're friends right? Mr. Maybe: You know its more than that. Would I do half the things I do if that were completely true? Would I be playing songs like this? Would I be on the phone with you right now if that were completely true?'.... etc. you get the gist. It was our first and last 'feelings' conversation. Needless to say after that conversation I told him we probably shouldn't speak as often as we do anymore. And we haven't

6 years have gone by since I spotted him across the library. We dwindled from 3-4times a week to 3-4 times a month, to 3-4 times a year. Now we speak twice a year; on his birthday and on my birthday. Which happens to be a week apart. I usually call first because his birthday is the week before mine. The first birthday after that last 'feelngs' conversation we had I didn't call. He called on mine and I pretended that I forgot. I preferred to have him think I forgot than to have him know it was a tad painful. The year after that I was in a relationship so I didn't care about calling and I was very happy to let him know I had a new bf. This year I called no questions asked. I kind of forgot how special he was to me until he mentioned (oh so casually) that he was now engaged. I was actually on the way to the laundromat and may have spilled all my detergent. I jokingly told him its a good thing he didn't say it 2mins before as I was crossing Eastern Parkway without waiting for the light. I gushed and did the necessary congratulations talk, asked about a date (knowing I wouldn't be invited anyways) and if they had secured a locations and all this other stuff. I was numb.

After we got off the phone instead of my customary 'Talk to u again in about 3-6months?' I just said next year. He was quick to remind me that we both have each others numbers and could and should call regularly. I reminded him that we wouldn't. That we would say we would and then speak to each other around birthday time again. When he calls me later this week for my birthday I don't know if I'll be ready yet to pretend that I don't care that he is getting married. I remember all the maybes now; and know they will never be. Honestly who knows if we would of even made a good couple. But even thinking that can't make me believe that the soon to be Mrs. Maybe isn't one VERY lucky girl. Since I found out about the impending nuptials one song has been playing in my head. Its a song he played for me (which prompted that whole 'feelings' conversations) around 2 in the morning one cold Smallbany night. I'll leave you with that song as I lay you to rest in my heart. Goodbye Mr. Maybe...