Do unto others....

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Lately I've been feeling a tad unappreciated. By friends, family, even people I date (yes.. I'm seeing someone; no I'm not ready to talk about it yet at length but I digress...). It seems like people love an opportunity to hear compliments or words of appreciation; but they have an issue reciprocating it to those around them.

Now I enjoy a good compliment like everybody else but I also make it a priority to let the people in my life know I love and appreciate their presence by me. I'm the kind of person that sends random messages like "I think your really great", "Your put a smile on my face today", and even the occasional ecard (someecards.com has some great cards by the way) "Its comforting to know we're equally maladjusted". Things like the aforementioned quotes that set the heart a flutter and give you warm and fuzzy feelings.

I don't do these things because I want others to do it to me as well. I do them because I think its important for people to know and feel wanted and needed if they are wanted and needed by me. It would just be nice to have people make me feel the same way every so often; And not just when something is wrong and they need cheering up or a willing ear. I find way to often I am a dumping ground for my friends negative energy, it can become irritating. And not even a "Your the Greatest!" adds insult to injury.

Then there is dude I'm seeing. I read an article that men appreciate compliments just as much as women do. So I promptly sent him a message and ended it by calling him 'Handsome'. His response was a big cheesy grin and I felt good that I made him feel special. Since then I've continued to do so every so often and I feel like he truly feels appreciated and sexy and all that other stuff. But where is the love?! I was thinking about it this morning and I can't remember the last time I got a good ole fashion "Girl, u di bomb!". When we first started dating he would do it every so often and I got the warm and fuzzies; butterflies not bubbleguts. Now? The must I get is probably a daily hugging, kissing, or winking emoticom... *Insert blank face here that changes into half a smile* I do appreciate that I really do but I feel like I could do with some butterflies and warm and fuzzies again.

I've not stopped expressing my appreciation for my friends or my non boo but I do feel myself become increasingly frustrated that the appreciation isn't reciprocated every so often. I know they do appreciate me and want/need me in their lives but its nice to hear every once in awhile. *le sigh* So this is my open letter to them. My dear, well-meaning, idiot friends. I love you but it'd be nice to hear you love me too.

Do you ever find yourself feeling under appreciated? How do you combat it? Maybe your one of my idiot friends reading this: Get off the blog and go to someecards.com and send me a card you ra-tard!

Till 'You Break A Vow' do us part

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"Love is not what you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on".

The other day I was having a very interesting conversation with a fellow HS alum on facebook. His status was in reference to a statement the every woman Monique said about sleeping with someone outside of marriage isn't a deal breaker. Now I didn't hear this statement myself till I saw it on his status so if he misquoted please feel free to let a sister know. Any who he eluded to the fact that trust is the hallmark of a relationship and if he found out his wife cheated he would expect her to be waiting for a cab outside with her bags packed when he got home.

He had several co-signers on that statement that think cheating is a deal breaker and their marriages would be over and done with. Now you KNOW I couldn't see that and not say anything. Not even the fact that I didn't speak to this person since HS and the last time we even fbook'd each other was months ago could keep me away.

I replied something along the lines of: "I feel you But a deal breaker? Did you not vow for or better or for worse? You might want to restructure your vows when you get married homie. *disclaimer* and I'm not talking habitual cheating.. We are human and we make mistakes who knows what could happen after you say I do. You might be the one asking for forgiveness" To which someone replied: "I agree on exclusivity. Relationships are built on trust. If there is no trust there is no foundation- the house will fall." And I said: "I completely agree on the exclusivity part. But in saying that sex outside of marriage is a deal breaker I can't agree with. If one party falls to the sin of adultery is remorseful and agrees to work on figuring out where the break down happened so that cheating even could become possible I think the other spouse should be willing to forgive. It shouldn't = the end of a marriage.. i.e. be a deal breaker. That level of forgiveness is something you need in a marriage and I'm not necessarily talking for cheating. A 50+ marriage will not get to 50+ on a bed of roses.. there will be thorns and both parties should recognize and acknowledge that... which is why in vows you say for better for worse richer or poorer in sickness and in health. If that isn't something a person can adhere to... they probably shouldn't be getting married. Personal opinion also.. trust is something that is built. and when its been broken.. it can be built back. It is that sustainable to the elements" Then my fbook friend chimed in: "I can see where you're coming from but I feel the trust is built before the marriage is agreed to. Once it has been established, the person who failed to live up to the agreement is the one that should not have been married. Not the one who fails to risk being burned a second time. Working things out is for people who can't escape the feelings and who are afraid to start over. I had been one of those people for a while and I'm glad to say I no longer am.Cut ties and tolerate nothing short of what you deserve.... Not saying this happened to me because we can never know %100 percent but if it did there is no redemption in my eyes."

We continued to go back and forth before I simply said let's agree to disagree and at our 50ths HS reunion we can finish this convo with our spouses by our side. But honestly I find it hard to believe that he will be able to stay married long if his tolerance is so low. No I do not condone cheating or anything that will hurt the marriage; I am simply saying that we must be willing to work on our relationships before we cut ties. Marriage, as I commented on his status, is the major league of relationships. When you come across a problem you don't just cut out and leave. I even put it to him as though he were the offender. 1. He is 100% sure he wouldn't do anything that could hurt his marriage and 2. If he was he wouldn't ask for forgiveness because he "wouldn't deserve it and would be ashamed". As far as he is concerned once you break a vow such as cheating then the other person doesn't have to stick to them either and they are free to leave. To which I put the question to him: Isn't this your other half, your best friend, etc.? If you did do something that was offensive to your marriage and you felt you couldn't go to them maybe that right there was part of the problem to which this offense occur ed in the first place. Marriage isn't just a legal contract to one another it is a much deeper commitment than that.

photo: Longest Married Couple: Herbert and Zelmyra

When I get married I have every intention of living my vows. Please reread that statement... you know what you probably won't let me say it again: I have every intention of living my vows; In sickness and in health, richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part. I intend to live that out until he or I cease to live. I am not perfect and I don't think I will meet a perfect man. He, I, or we may stumble at some point or another (and I don't mean just cheating there are many different ways you can hurt your spouse) during our marriage but I have no intention on telling him to kick rocks. Notice I said 'intention': I'm not married yet but its something I truly want to do: living my vows that is. I just feel like the inability to even discuss the issue and completely cutting all ties with your spouse is not the mindset of someone who is ready for marriage. Marriage is a bed of roses... just know that roses have thorns.

What do you think of the vows we make? Is he right? Are they only conditional upon the other persons ability to uphold them? What do you think are some of your marriage deal breakers?

I leave you with a few quote tweeted by Herbert and Zelmyra on Valentines Day:
"Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win "

Its That Time of Year Again!

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Lent is here.. (insert mix of cries of joys and groans of agony here). Some of you may not know that Lent began last week Wednesday; Ash Wednesday to be exact. Even before I was saved I practiced the tradition of Lent every year. If some of you remembered last year I gave up facebook/myspace/aim/bbm/gchat/ basically any forms of social networking. I was still blogging of course and was putting out entries every 5 seconds I had no outlet haha. This year though I have decided to give up the snooze button.

Yes I said the Snooze button. Anyone who knows me well knows I LOVE sleep. I don't get enough of it so the snooze button became my best friend. On average I hit it about three times a morning! On the very rare occasions where I don't have anyplace to be in the morning I walk up to take a afternoon nap. I have a comfy pillow top mattress and I just detest coming up from under the covers in the morning. So this is going to be a big sacrifice for me. But this is exactly what this time is about: Sacrifice. Its a time to learn what its like to do without something we think we absolutely CAN'T do without.

It is also about taking on something. I always struggle with this part of Lent as I am constantly taking on new things so I'm left struggling to find something else to do when Ash Wednesday arrives. After some thought I've decided to make sure my hands are painted. Again something most of you are left scratching your heads about. I'm not a very "girly-girl" I don't like shopping, mani/pedis, or spending hours in a hair salon. If I do paint my nails my fingers are probably clear because when they begin to chip I can never find time to redo them. Granted I do like what they look like afterwards but I always wonder when some women find time to have their nails done so regularly. So this Lent I am going to invest in myself. I am going to hit the stores buy some great colors and I am going to MAKE time to do my nails every week. Oh the joy...

Is anyone else devoting any time to Lent this year? What are you giving up? Taking on? And most important question of all: Any suggestions on fast drying nail polishes!

Live Like Your Dying

Hello My bloggy little family. I know its been awhile I was on a two week vacation. I'm back and tanned and loving it! They say Black is Beautiful; I'm darn near Gorgeous right now. But I digress The year is losing its new car smell and some of you may be forgetting all the promises you made to your self, your loved ones, and God. I'm not going to remind you. (What? I can't read your mind I don't know what promises you made!) But I am here to remind you that tomorrow isn't promised. Walk with me talk with me.

Before I left to go on vacation I had a short insignificant conversation with a male friend of mine. We'd gone to elementary and JHS together and grew up on the same block until he moved when he got to HS to another section of Brooklyn. We weren't that close but we had a shared history that enables us to converse every once in awhile and catch up with one another. He had gone from the nerdy dude with the SUPER high water uniform slacks to a pretty decent man and father. We talked about his son and some plans he had for the upcoming year and I gave him the haps on my life and how some mutual friends were doing. We parted ways with intentions of catching up again at some other point in time and went about our business.

I went on vacation had one of the best times I've had in a long time. Just an FYI I went to Trinidad for Carnival. I've gone every year, except 09, since 2005 and this year by far was my favorite time. And my last. There is a lot more of the world I want to see and jumping up in a band in TnT is something I can hold off on for a few years while I check out Asia and Africa. But again I digress.. Upon my return I sign into my facebook account to let my fans(friends) know of my return and I see a note in my inbox. Yep you guessed it. A mutual friend msg'd me while I was away to let me know our friend had died. I was in shock obviously. At the ripe old age of 26 you don't think about your mortality too often. I will admit when I was 22 and got the news that my step brother had been murdered I did get a smack of that reality; but I guess I'd forgotten.

After getting confirmation from some other friends that the funeral had been the weekend that just passed and his death was still something of a mystery because no one really knew how he died. They just knew it was a medical issue I kind of found myself in a place where I wanted to get all my affairs in order. I started to wonder if when he realized he was about to die did he have any regrets. Did he wish he had did something or that he hadn't done something. At that point I made it my business to do and say all that I needed to in case today was my last. Some people were receptive, others not so much. The point is that we shouldn't wait until we are staring our morality in the face for us to do what needs to be done.

Release that grudge

Tell that person you love them

Hold tight to those that you don't want to lose

Eat too much Chocolate Cake

Run barefoot

LIVE LIKE YOU ARE DYING

Do NOT wait until what you want is no longer available to you to realize what could be yours. Take stock of your lives and figure out if you have been giving big time to little things and rectify that error because today is as good a time as any to not just be alive but to live.

I Don't Want To Grow Up...

The other day my Granny's best friend passed away. We used to call her Aunty Mary. I was 18 before I found out this woman wasn't my real aunt you know. As a child I spent a lot of time in her home in Guyana, where my family is originally from. Whole summers would be spent with my various cousins and siblings sleeping under this ladies roof. Some of my favorite childhood memories were at that place.

I haven't been there since I was 19 which is the last time I was in Guyana. Was supposed to go last year but had a Saturday job that kept me grounded most weekends. And a host of other excuses that I let keep me from going back to the land of my ancestors. Back to Aunty Mary. Well by the time I was 19 she was blind but she was still sharp. My older cousins(OK me too! Lol) would sneak out to go party and she could tell u what time we left and what outfit we had on! SMH

I will truly miss this woman. But more than myself I worry for my elders. My mother, aunts, and uncles saw this woman as there Aunt and could tell her things they couldn't tell their own mother. And what of their mother? My Granny? She has lost all of her siblings and she has one half sibling left, she's lost her husband as well. The last sister she lost I was there when she got the news and it broke my heart at how alone she felt. She kept saying she was the only one left. I tried reminding her of her sister who could practically be her twin only to find out she was a half sister who she didn't grow up with. As far as I'm concerned there are no half-siblings; you just love them with your whole heart to make up the difference. My Granny was not hearing that.

Now she has lost her best friend. Someone who wasn't blood but you'd never know because of their closeness. And I can't help but think "Lord I don't want to grow up!" To lose my sisters and brothers! My parents or even my cousins as we all grew up together would be such a hard burden to bear. To continue your life without the ones who have made it worth living is no easy task and I don't envy my Granny at all. So at this time I can just love on her as much as possible to help her realize she still has some of us left.

You Reap What You Sow

I know you've heard the term before. Its from the good book; the bible. At its simplest form it means: you get out what you put in. Its very true though. I've been thinking about this a lot lately in terms of relationships. Not just romantic relationships but relationships on the family and friendship levels as well. Even at work; it is WHO you know. If you don't invest in these relationships you can't reap a good harvest.

As previously stated I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Its a new year and we all tend to become reflective. What went right the previous year as well as what went wrong. I noticed the other day that I have 1600+ facebook friends. As most of you may have guessed I'm a member of a Black Greek Letter Organization (Sorority for those of you unfamiliar with the term BGLO). So a lot of these friends are Greeks I'm networking with but beyond that the majority are people I know very well. I'm a social butterfly and making new friends is something I love doing.But I found myself thinking of the numerous relationships I hold not just on fbook but off; and if I was investing into these relationships. Sadly I wasn't. I thought off all the people I call best friend, good friend, etc. and some of these folks I either wasn't fulfilling my role as friend to them or vice verse. So I decided to start investing in these relationships. Be it the ones that I wasn't doing my part or the ones where the other person was lolly gagging I made it my business to sowing into their lives.

Now I want to point out that this isn't something I began this month. We tend to reflect on the year before the ball drops but I wait until the ball drops to get to work. So this is something I have been working at for the last couple of months. I've restored some cherished relationships and realize others have reached their expiration date. The thing is though....some of these people seem oblivious.

They don't realize you reap what you sow. They expect to put nothing/bare minimum into the relationship and expect to reap the benefits of work unseen. Someone I once considered a very good friend of mine will receive an invitation to my wedding but she won't be apart of the wedding party. (No I'm not engaged... YET! Princess cut for 2010 Owwwww! Speak it into existence people). I jokingly made a comment to this friend about this and she became indignant like how dare I even joke about that. When in my head I'm thinking... Why would you expect that when you don't invest in our relationship?

I tell you all of this as a cautionary tale. Many of you may find yourself with one or two less friends this year. And when I say friend this could be someone in your family or someone your dating. Friendship is the foundation of ANY relationship and if you don't sow into these relationships you may find yourself with a very patchy harvest.

Have you found yourself in a similar reflective mode? What does your harvest look like? Or maybe you see a couple crops you will be letting go into the next season in your life? And how do you deal with relationships that you have to let go?

I Still Believe In Fairytales

So I just finished watching Enchanted.. I don't know if any of you have seen this Disney film but its actually not quite bad. It was pretty good actually. I DVR'd it a few weeks ago and actually only got to watch it this afternoon. The basics of the story is a cartoon chick is thrown into the real world after meeting Prince Charming whom she was about to get married to. Now in the real world she finds out Happily Ever After aren't definite. I won't spoil it for you by saying how it ends but its a Disney film so you probably already know.

To be honest I actually became a bit teary eyed watching the film. The film is wrapping up and I'm sitting there on my couch wrapped in what could only be called my "blankey" and my throat gets tight and my eyes start to well up. Not because the story was sad. But because one of the central themes in the story was that Happily Ever Afters do exist and its something I believe as well.

Yes big hard back tuff 26 year old Somethin Special still believes in fairytales. Growing up these stories were drummed into our minds. They told us we just had to sit and wait and some gorgeous man was going to ride up on a gorgeous horse and sweep us off our feet; make us his queen and we would live Happily Ever After. And then at some point we got older are told to wake up it can't happen. There is no such thing as a prince charming and absolutely no happily ever after. We should hope for a good 5-10yrs at the most get a prenup and always keep a side bank account because we are going to need it when we bounce out. As a matter of fact don't get married just date around awhile and best case scenario someone with some sense may live with you. Two very different extremes. But what about the middle?

What about a Happily Ever After not with Prince Charming but with the average guy who doesn't sing on cue and is a bit jaded? What about the early morning bad breath kisses, late afternoon arguing mixed in with a great makeup session kinda fairytale? The kind where you love fiercely and fight each other with passion too. The kind where you get spitting mad but know that your love is strong enough to get through whatever trial and tribulation your currently dealing with? I believe in that kind of happily ever after.

I'm not naive enough to think that Happily Ever After's aren't riddled with 'bad times' along with all those good times. But when did people stop believing that 'Forever' was the fairytale? Who started this horrible rumor that we shouldn't aspire to long lasting relationships anymore because there is no Prince, we are not Princesses, and we couldn't partner with someone to rule a kingdom? And why oh why did we believe them just as easily as we did those fairy tales we were fed as children?

I actually realized that I was amongst a small minority that still believed that kind of love existed after watching a movie with two girlfriends of mine. That was Up In The Air (another good movie by the way). Without giving out the movie there was a women in the film that kind of stepped all over the heart of one of the characters in 9 inch stilettos right when he began to think Happily Ever Afters do exist.

Now there are people like this women; men too as we all know. That wasn't what triggered my epiphany actually. It was the high fives of my two friends accompanied by the cheers and saying she was their new hero. Huh? Did I miss something? Why aspire to hurt I asked? They basically said hey love n life is like that and they'd prefer to be the ones doing it. My pleas that no one should do that and we should be aspiring to love one another actually got me the side eye. They just weren't buying the fairytale and would prefer to have fun and hurt others before they themselves got cut.

If you don't truly believe that kind of love exist outside of God then how do u expect to ever receive it? If you don't believe in Happily Ever Afters how are you ever going to have your own. Love is hard. Relationships are hard. Forever is hard. But the if you want it you have to at least believe it exist. So as I blink those tear away and cleared my throat this afternoon I proclaimed loudly in my apartment "I believe in Happily Ever Afters!" And whoever doesn't agree with me I respectfully say to you with a smile on my face "You can shove it".