"Love is not what you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on".
The other day I was having a very interesting conversation with a fellow HS alum on facebook. His status was in reference to a statement the every woman Monique said about sleeping with someone outside of marriage isn't a deal breaker. Now I didn't hear this statement myself till I saw it on his status so if he misquoted please feel free to let a sister know. Any who he eluded to the fact that trust is the hallmark of a relationship and if he found out his wife cheated he would expect her to be waiting for a cab outside with her bags packed when he got home.
He had several co-signers on that statement that think cheating is a deal breaker and their marriages would be over and done with. Now you KNOW I couldn't see that and not say anything. Not even the fact that I didn't speak to this person since HS and the last time we even fbook'd each other was months ago could keep me away.
I replied something along the lines of: "I feel you But a deal breaker? Did you not vow for or better or for worse? You might want to restructure your vows when you get married homie. *disclaimer* and I'm not talking habitual cheating.. We are human and we make mistakes who knows what could happen after you say I do. You might be the one asking for forgiveness" To which someone replied: "I agree on exclusivity. Relationships are built on trust. If there is no trust there is no foundation- the house will fall." And I said: "I completely agree on the exclusivity part. But in saying that sex outside of marriage is a deal breaker I can't agree with. If one party falls to the sin of adultery is remorseful and agrees to work on figuring out where the break down happened so that cheating even could become possible I think the other spouse should be willing to forgive. It shouldn't = the end of a marriage.. i.e. be a deal breaker. That level of forgiveness is something you need in a marriage and I'm not necessarily talking for cheating. A 50+ marriage will not get to 50+ on a bed of roses.. there will be thorns and both parties should recognize and acknowledge that... which is why in vows you say for better for worse richer or poorer in sickness and in health. If that isn't something a person can adhere to... they probably shouldn't be getting married. Personal opinion also.. trust is something that is built. and when its been broken.. it can be built back. It is that sustainable to the elements" Then my fbook friend chimed in: "I can see where you're coming from but I feel the trust is built before the marriage is agreed to. Once it has been established, the person who failed to live up to the agreement is the one that should not have been married. Not the one who fails to risk being burned a second time. Working things out is for people who can't escape the feelings and who are afraid to start over. I had been one of those people for a while and I'm glad to say I no longer am.Cut ties and tolerate nothing short of what you deserve.... Not saying this happened to me because we can never know %100 percent but if it did there is no redemption in my eyes."
We continued to go back and forth before I simply said let's agree to disagree and at our 50ths HS reunion we can finish this convo with our spouses by our side. But honestly I find it hard to believe that he will be able to stay married long if his tolerance is so low. No I do not condone cheating or anything that will hurt the marriage; I am simply saying that we must be willing to work on our relationships before we cut ties. Marriage, as I commented on his status, is the major league of relationships. When you come across a problem you don't just cut out and leave. I even put it to him as though he were the offender. 1. He is 100% sure he wouldn't do anything that could hurt his marriage and 2. If he was he wouldn't ask for forgiveness because he "wouldn't deserve it and would be ashamed". As far as he is concerned once you break a vow such as cheating then the other person doesn't have to stick to them either and they are free to leave. To which I put the question to him: Isn't this your other half, your best friend, etc.? If you did do something that was offensive to your marriage and you felt you couldn't go to them maybe that right there was part of the problem to which this offense occur ed in the first place. Marriage isn't just a legal contract to one another it is a much deeper commitment than that.
photo: Longest Married Couple: Herbert and Zelmyra
When I get married I have every intention of living my vows. Please reread that statement... you know what you probably won't let me say it again: I have every intention of living my vows; In sickness and in health, richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do us part. I intend to live that out until he or I cease to live. I am not perfect and I don't think I will meet a perfect man. He, I, or we may stumble at some point or another (and I don't mean just cheating there are many different ways you can hurt your spouse) during our marriage but I have no intention on telling him to kick rocks. Notice I said 'intention': I'm not married yet but its something I truly want to do: living my vows that is. I just feel like the inability to even discuss the issue and completely cutting all ties with your spouse is not the mindset of someone who is ready for marriage. Marriage is a bed of roses... just know that roses have thorns.
What do you think of the vows we make? Is he right? Are they only conditional upon the other persons ability to uphold them? What do you think are some of your marriage deal breakers?
I leave you with a few quote tweeted by Herbert and Zelmyra on Valentines Day:
"Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win "
No comments:
Post a Comment